April 8, 2019

Dear Eva,

I miss you sweet girl! My days have been busy but that doesn’t mean that I ever stop thinking of you. You occupy my mind more than anything else. I love you to Heaven and back sweet Turkey Bird. Keep sending the sunshine, I know it ‘s you, and I always appreciate knowing you are still here.

Grief Journal Prompt #2 – How losing you has changed me…

This one is a big one. It’s something that I think about so often.  I don’t feel like the Mama you always knew. I feel things deeper and harder now. I don’t recognize the face in the mirror. I live in a fog more often than not. I cry a lot. My emotions are a lot stronger and more unpredictable. I know that I am grieving and also battling a touch of PTSD. These changes are normal and probably not as drastic as I feel they are. I think the bigger changes may be the ones that are harder for me to see.

I have found a bigger connection with my own faith than I have in my entire life. I’ve been attending the odd Church service and I feel strongly about a few things in my faith that I maybe didn’t understand before all of this happened. My faith has allowed me to believe that before your little soul was sent to me you chose me and your daddy as your parents. That we were always meant to be our little family. That you were only meant to be with us for this short time but it was the most perfect time. I also feel that I need to be able to believe that one day I will see you again. That I need to believe in the plan. The plan that is greater than me and what I want.

I feel things deeper than I ever have before and that isn’t always a bad thing. As much as very little minor things make me bawl and get extremely upset sometimes I also feel the happy things 10 times stronger. I cherish the joy every single time I get the chance too. The happiness comes in short bursts now but know that I truly know how unpredictable life is I know to appreciate the good stuff so much more. I’m working hard at not letting the small stuff get to me as quickly.

I am more grateful than I have ever been in my entire life. I am grateful for every single second I spent with you. I am grateful for the way our family has surrounded Daddy and I in this journey. I am grateful for my own, and your daddy’s health. We need each other to get through this and we need to be healthy. I am grateful for very day that I get with my family and friends.

I feel more resilient. Things don’t seem to bother me the way they used to. I can let things go a little bit easier. I am stronger. I know that I have seen the absolute worst days of my life. I know that I can get through absolutely everything and anything now. You taught me that. Losing you is the hardest thing I have ever been through and If I can survive this, and I will, I can survive anything. You will guide your mama from above and you will keep me strong! You made your Mama so strong. You are the reason I can fight as hard as I can. I love you.

You will always be mama’s favorite Turkey Bird. My little Turkey Baby. I love you forever.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.

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