Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

Hey sweet baby! I miss you bunches!

I’ve been struggling with the blog lately. I pull out the laptop and get ready to write and just stare at the blank screen. I worry that I’m constantly repeating myself with the same grief stuff I always talk about. I worry that it’s “too much” for those who read it. I worry I’m giving the wrong impressions, that people will “judge me” so to speak. I know that most of these worries are unfounded and that this blog is about me and my journey but I care too much. Peoples thoughts, opinions, and feed back goes straight to my heart sometimes. So more often than not I close the laptop and just think. I don’t know how to change my own thinking to make this easier. I love writing this blog and I know that it helps me and it makes me feel better putting words on the page. I just need to learn to be true to myself and to have the confidence that this is for me and nobody else. To know that this helps me cope and move forward. That what might be hard for others to read is what floats around in my head day after day and it’s much better out than in! Releasing it into the universe is better for me and for those around me. Just because a post is sad doesn’t mean I’m a total wreck, I’m probably better off by the time the post has been read than I was before I typed it. This is for me. Nobody else.

That being said I found something that I want to try! It’s a grief journal exercise that has 50 different prompts. I think it will help me have things to write about that are different than the usual “I miss you and I’m broken.” I’m going to aim for posting twice a week and go from there. Sometimes it might be more or less often. I need a schedule of sorts but I also need to realize that I don’t need to push myself. This is for me. Nobody else. I’m not going to write them in any particular order, just the one that speaks to me most on the day I start to write. Some will be sad, some will be happy. This will give me purpose when I sit down to write and it will also give the blog a little more depth. I wasn’t sure I was going to start tonight but I think I will. Now that I’ve started writing I don’t want to stop! Sometimes it’s like that too. Once I get an idea it just flows and just comes straight from my heart.

Grief Journal Prompt #1 – Ten words that best describe you.

1. Bubbly – I think this word is most fitting because most of the time you were so giggly and happy.
2. Brave – You fought your battle with ITP better than I could have ever dreamed to. You were a typical toddler with absolutely no fear most days, when you were healthy and after you got sick.
3. Loud! – Again, a total toddler but you were always on top volume from the minute you work up to the minute you closed your eye.
4. Beautiful – Blonde as blonde could be and the brightest blue eyes. Beautiful on the outside and even more beautiful on the inside. You always had a smile for everyone you met.
5. Sassy – That ‘tude was fierce! Saying “NO!” and using it properly since you were 10 months old, and I can only imagine you at 15 giving your Mama a run for her money. You would have probably told me “I got it from my Mama!”
6. Smart – You knew your full name, could almost count to 10, talking before you walked, you knew all your colors.
7. Loving/Love-able – You told Mama and Daddy you loved us multiple times a day, had kisses and snuggles for us almost any time we asked. You loved your Kitty and Puppies with all of your heart. Also, Tucker, you really loved Tucker.
8. Unstoppable – If you wanted something, you were getting it. You would push a chair up to the counter and climb up into the snack cupboard. You would scale up the toilet and across the bathroom counter to get the band aids. I also remember one night in particular when you climbed out of your crib at least 5 times until Daddy got really upset.
9. Two – you were undeniably two years old. Tantrums, potty training, toddler bed. We were deep in the trenches of the “Terrible”, Terribly Awesome Two’s!
10. Unique – I’m probably completely biased here but there has never been a little girl as amazingly herself as you were. Completely Eva Alice Peters 100%. Bubbly, Bouncing, Brave, Smart, Tall, Funny, Incredible. Mama’s best friend.

WOW! That felt so good. It was nice to have just a tiny bit of direction to start with and then to make my own. I think I’m going to really like this project!

I love you baby girl! I miss you everyday. You are the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. Always in my heart and on my mind. Until we meet again sweet girl!

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.