July 6, 2018

Dear Eva,

It’s been a while, a pretty busy week. Daddy and I went to see Nana and Papa, we went on a date to the movies, Mama weeded the garden (that was a project), We worked all week, Aunty Jack and Mama went to the beach yesterday, and Uncle Brett cooked us supper last night. I miss you every second of everyday and all of these things that seem simple and normal are really hard to do. I am glad I braved the beach yesterday – I’ve been wanting to get out there for a while now and have been a little scared to do so. It was sure different without you there but I sure did feel you in the warm sunshine. Laying on the floaty I closed my eyes and I swear I could hear your excited giggles in the breeze. I know you are sending me the signs but I wish so badly that you didn’t have to. I wish so badly that you could be lounging on the beach with us.  I miss you.

A little boy sitting on the sidewalk with his Mommy this afternoon waved at me with a giant smile on his face as I drove by. I waved back as hard as I possibly could. His Mommy had a big happy smile on her face when I did so, I imagine just happy that somebody took the time to acknowledge her little guy. Oh if she only knew. If she only knew that I meant that wave with all my heart. That I know you sent that wave from heaven. That you sending that wave down from heaven means the whole world to me. That I am so thankful I saw that little boy today. That the little things like this really do feel really good. Little kids really do heal my heart. Every little thing that comes along with little kids – the waves, the smiles, the laughs, the screaming fits in grocery stores. All of it is all I want and all that I wish for. If you ever get to be a big sister I promise to hold all of the moments extra dear to my heart – in honor of you. Mistakes will be made and my fuse will be short at times but You taught me so much about how to do better.  I hope that you look back on the 884 days we had together and smile and know that your Mama did her best. I know I was tough on you, and I regret it everyday. I had no way of knowing how your life was going to go but I hope that you never felt Mama could have done better. I know in my heart you didn’t but sometimes my head takes me to very dark places. 884 Days. That’s all I got – most Mama’s get 6570 days with their babies at home and many more days after that. 884 is not nearly enough. In comparison we have already lived 114 days with out you. The longest 114 days of my life. The saddest 114 days of life.

I have to live my worst nightmare every single day. Why me? why you? Why us? I’ll never understand. Nothing ever will make this okay. I will never stop loving you. Never ever ever.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.

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