Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

Out of no where things take us by surprise. Even in ordinary, everyday life things pop up to add some twist or another. For your Dad and I, lately, it has become the most innocent questions that bring us the most surprise. People ask questions that to them don’t seem intrusive but are like a loaded gun to Daddy and I. “Do you have kids?”, the sales lady asks as I am picking out a new laundry pair a few weeks ago. I froze – this poor lady doesn’t need to hear the whole story and then just feel bad for asking something so simple. She just asked because sometimes kids have dirtier clothes. She was not in the wrong at all. I froze because I wanted to preserve her feelings and save myself from re-living everything over again, but at the same time “No” feels really really wrong. I have two babies but it just looks a lot different than most would consider normal. I’m a special kind of mom – I’m an angel mom, and I understand that and the people close to me do to. For people on the outside, however, its not as easy to understand and I feel as much as I am grieving and have every right to feel the things I do, I feel it is unfair to make others uncomfortable. Like I said – they ask innocently, not maliciously. Most people are good, and we have to believe that.

The lady we bank with called your Daddy and was asking him about his investments and plans for the future. “Are you still interested in setting up a education fund for your daughter?” Uh oh – another hard spot. “No, thank you.” Of Course it doesn’t stop there – and it shouldn’t, education funds are very important for our children. “Is there any reason why?” so Daddy had to tell her, “Our daughter passed away in March.” As you can imagine the conversation got a lot more uncomfortable as the lady didn’t know and had no reason to know. People get weird – I get that. I would have got weird too. Six months ago I would have been the same way – Oh no, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Stumbling on words and saying too much. This isn’t the norm – most parents get to set up funds for their kids and send them off to school after 18 years of saving and preparing. I feel for that lady because nobody goes into a banking profession thinking they would ever have to hear those words. She was unprepared to deal with that and that’s why I try my best to tread lightly in those moments of innocent questions that sometimes hurt us a lot more than one would know.

I still struggle with what to tell people, though. I probably always will. I don’t want to be unfair to them but saying a simple “No” feels like I am being so unfair to you. You were here – you lived, man did you live. You’re still here in our hearts. You will always live on through us, but that isn’t easy to explain without making the situation uncomfortable. You’re daddy has said “Not anymore” which again makes things messy. You know Mama, not one to have things be messy if I can avoid it. I guess that’s the thing though. Nothing about the last 7 months of our lives has been “clean and simple”. Maybe I need to be okay with things being messy? I think for me it is a fear of telling people and me myself getting really upset. There is no right or wrong way to handle these situations I guess and maybe I just need to come to terms with that. I am sure one day it will just come to me with the way I want to respond. Maybe one day everything I say won’t feel so upside down, uncomfortable, and wrong. Maybe telling you about these encounters today will help me figure out where to go from here. You’ve done a good job of guiding me through this so far.

I love you, little bean. Please know that you will never be forgotten or left out in any aspect of my life anytime I can help it. Mama is living life for you and will be so happy to see you again one day. I love you. I miss you. Fly high, Turkey Bird.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.