Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

Some days just suck. Some days without you are just really dark and horrible and it feels like there is no way out of that darkness. Those days mean laughing through the pain at work and then tears on your bed at home over my lunch break. Those days mean bringing one of your stuffies to sit on my window, next to my orchid at work. Those days mean not caring if you have to explain why you have a teddy bear in your office. Those days mean coming back to work when I’d much rather be in bed with my head under the covers.  Those days are the hardest and they come out of nowhere and hit me like a bus. Today is one of those days. Today is one of those days when I come home from lunch and Daddy ask’s what I’m up to. I tell him he doesn’t want to know and he says, “Crying?”, when Mama answers with a “Yeah”, Daddy says “Me too.” Days like today make the good-ish days seem so good. It’s a catch 22, though, because on the good days I feel bad that I’m having a good day. Fuck – I know that I shouldn’t but I can’t fight it. This journey is so full of ups and downs, and major guilt. What I wouldn’t give to live those days of normal mom-guilt again. Now its 10 times deeper and stronger and more debilitating.

I feel guilt because I feel like I failed. I feel guilt because we are here and you aren’t. I feel guilt because we didn’t do enough while you were here. I feel guilt because I feel I didn’t do enough. I feel guilt when I have days that are easy. I feel guilt when I’m angry at others for being sad. I feel guilt every. single. time. I walk by that Paw Patrol bike in Walmart. You wanted a bike so bad – you were too small and it would just be another thing for me to stare at and get angry at – but still, guilt that you couldn’t have it. Guilt, guilt, guilt. It’s the worst because feeling guilty isn’t going to change anything, it isn’t going to bring you back, but it’s still there. Everybody will tell you – don’t go there. Don’t think that way. I just can’t fight it some days. Some days all I can do is feel the guilt full on. Some days it just does not get any better as the day goes on. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I did something to deserve this. I didn’t. There is no reason for this. Don’t even try to tell me there is.

I think back to the day you had to go. When the doctor’s told me – I think I screamed. I know the next thing out of my mouth was ” What did I do?!” I know I didn’t do anything, I know there was nothing I could have done differently. I can’t change my reaction. I was numb. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t cry. I needed you. Nothing was ever going to be right without you. All I kept saying to the social worker – Katie, bless her heart – was “She’s my best friend.” Over and over and over. I thank god everyday for Katie and Dr. Sinha. They did not leave my side. They cried as hard as I cried. They held me until your daddy got there to take over. It was hell to have to walk out of that hospital without you. The next day, leaving Saskatoon without you, arriving home without you – hell.

Today I feel empty. I sit in my office at work and long for you. I miss you. I want you here with me. Lots of tears today. It’s been a long week and today it all came crashing down on me. The afternoon is dragging on and on and on. It’s been hell on Mama’s heart today. That full body ache to have you here is back in full force. That is the worst part. The fact that my body physically hurts to have you here. There is nothing to soothe that pain.

I love you! I miss you! I will always hold you in my heart!

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.