Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

I’m so angry today. Angry at the world. There isn’t anything that anybody can say or do that doesn’t just piss me off. Nobody can do anything right for me today. Your poor Daddy came home to a very yell-y wife tonight. He couldn’t say anything to me tonight and I sassed back with some pretty mean words. Nothing helps when I have these days. I don’t feel the need to justify it, either. I feel there was no good reason that you had to leave so there shouldn’t have to be a good reason for me to be angry. Maybe that’s a bad attitude but I’m so tired of trying to justify my emotions. It feels like you were stolen from me, ripped right out of my arms. If that isn’t reason enough to be angry I don’t know what is. I held you while you took your last breath, the room went from full of nurses and doctors to just you, mommy and the social worker who held mommy while I held you. No parent should ever have to do the things I had to do that day. So do I really need to justify what I’m feeling every day? Good or bad these are my emotions, these are my days to sort through.

I have many painful days, filled with flashbacks and fears. I need to understand that this is normal and there isn’t any sense in sugar coating these moments. I need to feel these moments and grow from them. I’m going to be sad, I’m going to be angry, I’m going to feel like a failure, I’m going to have happy moments, I’m going to cry sometimes when I open your bedroom door. I never ever have to justify that. I don’t have to explain it. I just need to feel and to heal. It’s going to take time, most likely years, and even then I’ll never be the same. I’ll never be the same because I’ll never get you back. That is a punch to the gut every time I think about it and I think about it often. I get caught up in my mind so many times throughout the day. I get trapped in the what if’s and the why’s. I relive that day almost everyday in my head. The what if’s kill me. I can’t go back and change anything I did that morning and it kills me. I’ve heard this a lot – If love could have saved you, you would still be here. Holy F is that true. Man if I could have loved you healthy, you bet your butt I would have. You would have been the healthiest little girl in the world. Man I wish I could. I can’t, and I don’t think I will ever come to terms with why the world is as cruel as it is.

Everybody tells me “I can’t even imagine.” NO you can’t, and why would you even try. This is absolutely the worst nightmare that your Daddy and I have to live. It’s not a fear any more, it’s our life now. I want to scream at people to stop thinking about what we are going through and just give me a damn hug. Then when you are done hugging me, go hug your kids, just be with your kids. Hold them tight, love them, and be patient with them. Never ever take any time with your kids for granted. While I don’t want anybody to go through what we are, or even imagine what we are going through I do want people to understand that life is short. We are never guaranteed another day with the ones we love. Its human nature to get busy and rush through life but please, learn from this. Slow down. Take your time. Love your people. If I could go back in time to when you were born and tell those brand new, scared shit less parents anything, that would be it. Life is so fucking short, hold more and yell less.

I need you to know that I love you and I did everything I could to keep you safe. Right now I feel like I didn’t do a good enough job. I think I will feel this way for a long time. I think coming to terms with the fact that we did do everything we could and we can’t change what went wrong will take a really long time. I think that feeling this way should tell me that I did do enough. I did do a good job. If I felt like I did an amazing job and didn’t have all these feelings, I probably wouldn’t be where I am right now. These feelings mean I’m alive and I’m human.

You were the best little girl we could have ever asked for. I can only hope that I was the best mom for you. I’m sure if you were here you would be yelling at me for feeling any less. Tonight I stood in your bedroom, looking out the window. On the front lawn there was the cutest little “Bunny Hop” just sitting there. Enjoying the sunshine. before the sky started to cloud up. I believe deep down in my heart that you put that bunny there for Mama to enjoy. It gave me a smile on this dark day. I love you, Turkey Bird.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.