Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

Breath by breath, minute by minute, day by day. It’s crazy to me how much of a roller coaster these emotions can be. I have yet to have a day that is completely, 100% down, some days come close but most have at least a few minutes that are good. Today is hard, today is 99% down. Bad news in the morning, grumpy farmers in the afternoon. Running on zero sleep makes it harder to handle these emotions on top of my already almost constant anxiety. Anxiety is a strange thing, sometimes a few deep breaths kicks it to the curb, other times I just have to put my head down and let it run it’s course. I’ve dealt with minor anxiety my whole life, anxiety that makes it hard to relax unless the house is clean and all my “ducks are in a row”. These days the house is clean and my anxiety is telling me that it shouldn’t be clean. That it should be messy and loud and crazy. If that doesn’t throw the ducks out of wack I don’t know what will.

A few days after your funeral, I could not sit still. If I sat still I got anxious and felt like I couldn’t breath. I started to clean and I don’t mean just bathrooms and sinks and floors. I mean full on crazy lady purge, if it was in my path it most likely either got donated or thrown out. I needed to organize and empty closets and drawers and cupboards. I needed to redecorate the spare room. This was to the point that your Nana and Papa came to visit us and I couldn’t visit. I could not physically sit long enough to visit. They all just laughed at me and looking back it was really funny. It was the only thing that calmed my nerves. It felt so good, refreshing and relaxing. However, I think I may have cleaned too much at once. The house doesn’t get messy anymore, so I don’t have things to clean on a day to day basis, other that dishes and nobody likes doing dishes. I’m a cleaner, a fixer, a do-er, and now I’m at a point in this journey that I can’t fix stuff, I can’t clean up the mess and I’ve never faced anything scarier. Feeling out of control does not help the anxiety one bit. My counselor challenged me yesterday to let something sit, or tell somebody no and see if I can fight the anxiety about it off. Today I went home at lunch and cleaned the kitchen. So challenge failed? HAHAHA. I know it takes time and it will get easier but I wish it didn’t have to take so long.

I just want to acknowledge that you are doing your job up there, Baby. We know you are, we’ve seen it twice now.  I’m not going to go into details here but there have been some very unexplained events in our lives the last month or so, and I know deep in my heart that it’s you. You just keep doing your job and Mama will thank you one day. I will continue to watch for the signs and maybe one day I’ll know for sure that god needed you more. I think what I learned this morning really does comfort me because I know that you are looking out for us down here.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.