May 22, 2018

Dear Eva,

Lost. I’ve been feeling lost a lot lately, but there is one place that I feel more lost than anywhere else. The grocery store. I walk into the grocery store and forget what I went in for. I wander the aisles in a daze, hoping with all of my being that I don’t look as lost as I feel. Every time. This isn’t something that happened once, it happens every time I go into the grocery store. It was very rare that I would ever go for groceries with out you in the cart chattering away. Now I have to do it by myself. That’s a curve ball. We get so caught up in life and take things for granted, thinking that things won’t change. Then they do, out of no where your life changes in a moment, and there is nothing you can do about it.

We all deal with change differently. I don’t think I deal with it as well as I could. I push things away and try to avoid change. This change though, is different. It’s in my face, I can’t avoid it, and it’s not going away. I’m trying to deal, trying to keep my head above water. Some days it is one breath at a time, that’s all I can manage. Other days are easier, like today. Today was easy, until I walked into that grocery store. Once I got back home I was completely drained. I’m learning though, I knew I needed to take a break. I had some lunch, watched a little TV and let myself close my eyes for a few minutes. Once I woke up Stormy and I went outside and I was able to plant my tomatoes and potatoes. I also planted some pretty flowers just for you, Sweet Heart. Hopefully they will bloom pretty and bright and be a good reminder for me.

I miss you everyday. Fiercely. Deep in my veins. One change that I wasn’t prepared for, one that I definitely never wanted. Not in a million years. I try not to ask why. But I really would like to know why? Not why me, but just why you had to go. I’m upset that it had to be you. The brightest, sweetest, funniest little soul that I knew. Why did you have to go? I sure hope God knows how special you are and that he damn well have a good reason why he needed you more than we did. Because, damn it, your mommy needed you too. Your mommy needed you too.

I love you to Heaven and back, Baby Girl.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama

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4 thoughts on “May 22, 2018

  1. Eva will always be with you down every aisle, just not the way she was before. She’s still there and she will always always always be there!

    Little Eva Diva, give your mama some sprinkles of love from Heaven. Tell God to lay His hand on her heart and give her peace and comfort on these days. Amen. 💙

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Psalm 34:18
    The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

    Jess you are in my thoughts so often! I’ve said it before but you’re strength amazes me. This blog, I feel, is a powerful testament. I feel that your words are the strength that another lost and pained momma needs. Every post I read my eyes well up with the biggest tears. My throat gets tight and then, everything releases. With every post I read I also feel the warmth and the glow of Eva being present which makes the hurt I feel so deeply for you fade so slightly. Keep going girl! You’re doing great! Day by day.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your strength amazes me. I think of you so often Jess. I am positive Eva is with you always! In the flowers you planted, in the butterflies that cross your path, in the rainbows that she paints for you to admire and in the northern lights that dance across the sky. She is there – always and forever. holding your hand.

    Liked by 1 person

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