Lost. I’ve been feeling lost a lot lately, but there is one place that I feel more lost than anywhere else. The grocery store. I walk into the grocery store and forget what I went in for. I wander the aisles in a daze, hoping with all of my being that I don’t look as lost as I feel. Every time. This isn’t something that happened once, it happens every time I go into the grocery store. It was very rare that I would ever go for groceries with out you in the cart chattering away. Now I have to do it by myself. That’s a curve ball. We get so caught up in life and take things for granted, thinking that things won’t change. Then they do, out of no where your life changes in a moment, and there is nothing you can do about it.
We all deal with change differently. I don’t think I deal with it as well as I could. I push things away and try to avoid change. This change though, is different. It’s in my face, I can’t avoid it, and it’s not going away. I’m trying to deal, trying to keep my head above water. Some days it is one breath at a time, that’s all I can manage. Other days are easier, like today. Today was easy, until I walked into that grocery store. Once I got back home I was completely drained. I’m learning though, I knew I needed to take a break. I had some lunch, watched a little TV and let myself close my eyes for a few minutes. Once I woke up Stormy and I went outside and I was able to plant my tomatoes and potatoes. I also planted some pretty flowers just for you, Sweet Heart. Hopefully they will bloom pretty and bright and be a good reminder for me.
I miss you everyday. Fiercely. Deep in my veins. One change that I wasn’t prepared for, one that I definitely never wanted. Not in a million years. I try not to ask why. But I really would like to know why? Not why me, but just why you had to go. I’m upset that it had to be you. The brightest, sweetest, funniest little soul that I knew. Why did you have to go? I sure hope God knows how special you are and that he damn well have a good reason why he needed you more than we did. Because, damn it, your mommy needed you too. Your mommy needed you too.
I love you to Heaven and back, Baby Girl.
Love and Kisses,