Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

Frustration – Do you remember how Mama would get so frustrated sometimes? You would mostly just laugh at me and keep on keeping on. You were a strong, brave soul who didn’t have time for your Mama’s short fuse. Thank goodness for that because otherwise my guilt would probably be worse than it already is. I know, I know, I’m working on that guilt. Anyway, I’m rambling. I came here tonight to talk about my frustration. Man, I get so frustrated with people so easily now! Today, seven producers asked me about you, about how we are doing. I know that they care, and I know they mean well. I can’t help it though – I’m here to work and the personal stuff frustrates me. Mr. Farmer, I know that you care, I know and appreciate that we have created a relationship, but right now in this moment I need to talk about your canola and not my personal pain!! Grrr! The worst part is I would probably get just as frustrated if nobody ever asked or offered their condolences at all. There is a very delicate balance to keeping your Mama happy these days. Sometimes nothing works and sometimes nothing bugs me.

I think I just need to come to terms with knowing when I need to take a break. Knowing when it becomes too much and taking myself out of the situation. I expect so much of myself though, that when I go to work for 8 hours I work for 8 hours. I don’t avoid phone calls or customer contacts even when everybody else would understand if I did. I did talk to my doctor and work about modifying my hours for a little bit longer and everybody agreed that this was a good idea and step in my healing.

Ugh – healing. I find that is a hard word too. How am I supposed to heal from this? My heart is literally broken. Having you around was like having a piece of my heart running around in the world. Now that piece of my heart is gone forever. Time heals all wounds – I guess we will find that out eventually but at this point I have a really hard time believing it is true. In a way I’m terrified to “heal”. I know that you’ll always be with me even as our lives continue to change but at this point I don’t know what our lives look like “healed”. Healing and Moving On, those are words I just don’t agree with. I think I will change and continue on. Yeah, I like that better. This pain will change, myself and your dad will change and grow and our lives will continue but we will never completely heal and we will never “move on” or “get over” you.

Continuing on, right now that looks like spending lots of time together and reflecting on our time with you. Sometimes that means stories and laughs, sometimes it means silence and tears. One day, I’m sure continuing on will mean a lot more and we will look forward to the future again. Right now it’s hard, so very hard, to even imagine a future without our little Diva in it. So many dreams that were just crushed. In an instant. No more dreams of taking you on trips, no more dreams (and maybe dread) of your first day of school, your first boyfriend, your first everything really. Those dreams replaced with fears. Fears of what would be your first day of school, your 3rd birthday, the first anniversary of our really bad day. I believe in my heart that you will guide me through those days, please baby, please guide me (and your daddy) through those days. I hope that isn’t too much on your little shoulders, though you were wise beyond your years so I have no doubts that you will help mommy out.

Well, Baby, it’s late and mommy is rambling. I miss you cutie.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama