Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

I miss you baby. I’m struggling tonight. We’ve got a lot on our plates this week and I’m feeling overwhelmed. I just miss you so much. I want to feel you near me. I want to hold you. I want to kiss your face. I miss you. I could say that over and over again, and most times I do.

Daddy and I tackled something really big the last two days. We cleaned out your bedroom. I started slowly yesterday and we finished up tonight. All that is left in there now is the change table (because it’s too heavy for mom to carry) and a pile of things that need to go to the garbage. It’s been a long time coming, and we hit crunch time this week because we are starting a big house project this weekend. I did really good going through your things. I sorted your things into keep, sell, donate piles. I kept my cool until it was time to move the crib out. I started to snap at Daddy a bit as we tried to get it out of the room. When we came back upstairs and the only thing left was the change table I started to break. It’s so empty. This feels so final. It’s heart break all over again for me. The last time the room was so empty was when me and Aunty Holly painted it and hung your clouds. Seeing it back like that was so hard. I’m a mess. I tried to fight the tears but I just could not. I had to let them fall.

Your bedroom will always be the same purple and pink colors and it will always have your clouds. I plan now to keep this room.as a sanctuary for myself. I’m going to make it a little office space. I will put your pictures on the walls. I will keep your big pink teddy and our rocking chair in there. It will be a space just for Mommy and Eva. Quiet and peaceful. Slow and purposeful. Meaningful. I’ve wanted to do this for a while, just never had the courage. It’s time. I think after a good sleep tonight I will be more excited about this next step again. It will be a fun journey decorating and setting the space up. I know I will appreciate having the space to do things without dragging things all over the house. I know I will always feel you in that room and I never really felt like that room would ever be anybody else’s bedroom. It’s your’s and this is a way for me to keep it that way in a sense.

It’s hard to believe I’ve even gotten to this point. Even a year ago I couldn’t dream of changing your room at all. This is a big step. It’s overwhelming. It’s a good step, and the dime you gave me last night gives me the peace of knowing you approve. I hope you will like what I do with your room my baby girl. It will mean so much that you do. I know you will show me that you do.

I love you, sweet girl. I miss you so much. I pray every night that I will see you again. One day closer, Turkey Bird. One day closer. You are my safe place and I love you all the way to heaven and back.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.