Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

It’s been a year. I’ve been so silent here and in ways it’s been a blessing and in others, a curse. I think with everything happening around us in the early parts of the year it was just so hard to articulate my feelings. I needed to process things on my own, in my own time, and in my own way. It snowballed out of control, though, and here we are a whole year gone in the blink of an eye. So many things have happened on a personal level and even more on a global level. It’s astonishing to me how quickly this year flew by considering how absolutely heavy it was. My heart is tired. It was tired to begin with and looking back on the year, I’ve learnt how resilient we really are. How just when we think we can’t handle another day, somewhere deep down we push just a little harder, and go just a little further. 2020 has been one for the books for your daddy and I, and for many others as well.

We learned so much about community and keeping each other well. We learned that even though we are more connected than ever before with social media, the disconnect is huge. For the first time in a long time I saw people reaching out to each other more often and in more meaningful ways. People were doing acts of kindness, leaving uplifting messages on the sidewalks, feeding each other, connecting via the internet, and finding ways to lighten the overall dreary mood on social media. I know for myself social media was a huge burden in the beginning of the year. All of the CoVid news, people sharing opinions and arguments, conspiracy theories, became way too much. I am almost ashamed of how often I hit the “unfollow” button on Facebook. I needed to protect my heart though, more than ever before. CoVid was incredibly triggering for me in the very beginning. It still can be to be completely honest. I think the theories and the arguments were the hardest part for me. People saying “it’s just a cold”, “it isn’t deadly if you are healthy” felt incredibly cold to me. In the end a VIRUS is what took you from me. Yes you had an underlying condition, but the virus you caught is the reason you coughed in your sleep that night. The thing that people don’t realize when they say these things is how triggering it is to hear those things. The underlying condition didn’t make it any damn easier to lose you than if you had been healthy otherwise. You caught “just a cold” and two days later you were gone. I still get so frustrated over all of the opinions and are so easily thrown around.

I learned so much about self care this year it’s incredible. It’s not just bubble baths. I knew this before but now my knowledge is so much deeper. I learnt it’s okay to unfollow, it’s okay to leave the blog for a while, it’s okay to walk around Walmart to get out of the house. I worked from home for months at the beginning of the year and that was incredibly tough. It was a huge adjustment, and I found out real quickly how important routine is. Even down to drinking enough water. I gave myself two UTI’s this year from lack of drinking water. Too much info, I know! Honestly though, routine for me is everything! Giving myself grace and learning what this actually meant for me was very important too. Feeling the feelings, grief this year was about 1000 times harder than ever before. No joke. This was the hardest year yet. I had read this, heard from many others as well, that year two is harder than year one and I have to agree, but now that we are working towards year three I’m finding this has been the heaviest. I think the CoVid mixed in has made it harder. All of the “big days”, I’ve been away from my support system. Mother’s Day, your should have been first day of school, Christmas. These were incredibly hard milestones. Being stuck in the house with no outlet was hard. I found it so heavy that I didn’t even feel I could use my blog to get it out. Vicious cycle. Thanksgiving and Your birthday this year were also soul crushing, but I was fortunate enough to have my supports around me for those two days. I also chose to go ahead with our yearly traditions which helped as well.

I learned how quickly things change, I’ve learned this before, obviously, but holy moly did I get a refresher. Working from home in the blink of an eye. Fighting for where I am at right now. Fighting for my marriage. Fighting for my health. We were just sinking into fertility in March when boom. Everything ground to halt. Daddy and I had some big moments this year that we are still working through, but I know you’re watching out for us. We are okay. We are working on us and we are so much healthier now than we were at the beginning of the year. For that I am greatful. I love how much that man loves me. I learnt that no matter how badly you want something, when it comes true, it can still go away as quickly as it came to you. I am greatful that I have a great medical team behind me and that I am healthy, all things considered. That is all that matters. I’m here and I am healthy and strong. I have your daddy and we have our memories of you. I am tired. My heart is tired. I’m healthy. I am brave. Things change, and that’s okay. I will grow as a human for it.

I’m back baby girl. This was cathartic, and much needed. I will continue to keep my head up and keep being brave. One foot in front of the other. I’m looking forward to the new year. I want to continue to write and to build this blog up. I’ve been invited to a couple very exciting things in 2021 that I’m incredibly excited to jump into head first. I’m going to continue to show up for myself and for your daddy. I can’t wait for this new year to continue to lean into our relationship and grow together. Braver Together. Brave enough for us and for you pretty little wonder in the sky. We love you so flipping much. We miss you even more than that. You are my guiding light sweet girl.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.