May 9, 2020

Dear Eva,

Hey Turkey Bird. Rough day, today. I miss you and my heart hurts. I’ve been teary since first thing this morning. Most of the time I can’t identify a clear trigger. Today I know exactly what set me off. It’s Mother’s Day weekend and that in itself is hard. The trigger, though, came when watching a live video on facebook. The Mama talked about her babies making her breakfast. She brought it up a couple times and it broke me. I hope with all her heart she gets her breakfast tomorrow and that it is wonderful and special. It just reminded me exactly what I’m missing out on.

This will be my third Mother’s Day without you. It’s the first one that has hit me this hard though. This is the first year also that we haven’t been on the run. The past two we were busy with wedding showers, runs, and work meetings. I was always on the go and usually driving home on Mother’s Day. This year we are home and it hit me hard. It’s also getting to me the age you should be and how this would be one of the first years that you would have been big enough to make breakfast with Daddy for me. You were never old enough to actually tell me Happy Mother’s Day. We had 2 together and you were so small for both of them. This year you would have been 4. I know you would have been so proud to help Daddy spoil Mama. All the things I am missing out on are killing me today.

I preach about feeling the sad and then finding the joy. Today I haven’t been able to find the joy. Honestly, I just don’t want to. I’m hurting and the tears just keep coming. I haven’t crashed this hard in months. Daddy asked me to go to Canadian Tire this morning to pick some yard stuff up. We got in the truck and I waited until Daddy was ready and made him take my hand. I looked at him and started bawling. I cried off and on the whole time we were out of the house. We got Burger King for lunch and after we ate I went for a nap. I did all the things that usually work to calm me. Essential oils in the diffuser, white noise on feather, dark room, Stormy next to me on Daddys pillow. I napped for 2 hours and woke up in tears again. So much for getting out of the funk. Long hot bath and a shower after that. More oils in the diffuser and a fizzy shower steamer in the shower. All the tricks. And then guess what? I cried at the supper table. Nothing worked today and I think I just needed to be here today. As hard and ugly and heavy it is, I needed this crash.

I want to find a way out of this dark, sad, place but sometimes that is really hard to do. I don’t want to be stuck, and most often, I’m not, I put a smile on my face and find the joy. Today that’s not happening and that’s okay. I haven’t cried like this in ages. It’s a good release. It’s healing these days to cry like this. Feels like it’s fixing me instead of just making me feel more broken. I used to fight the tears but now when they come I know they are cleansing my soul. When you drop your shoulders your eyes will leak. It’s important to relax and let go and feel the real feelings. Tomorrow will be easier, calmer, brighter. It might not be perfect but it will be better.

I miss you, dolly. With all my heart I just want you here. I want to hold you and kiss you and run my hands through that blonde hair. I want to hear your voice, your laugh, I’d even let you call me Ma if it meant I got you back even for a minute. Snuggle and play, laugh and love. Hold you. I wouldn’t want to let you go. Gosh darn it I just want you back. I’ll never understand this. Why you, why us. I won’t ever get it. I don’t dwell on it much anymore but that doesn’t mean I understand it. You were so perfect and beautiful. You are beautiful and perfect. You were mine. You are mine. You will always be mine. I just love you so much. I wasn’t ready for you to go. I wasn’t ready to say good bye. I wouldn’t have ever been ready. I love you baby girl.

I love you, Mama’s perfect beautiful blue eyed beauty. I miss you so much. I wish we were together. I know you are with me baby. I know that, but I miss your laugh. I miss hearing you ask for snacks and then run away giggling when you got what you wanted. I miss the sound of little feet on the floor. This morning in the early sun the door way of your bedroom was glowing purple. I could picture you standing there smiling and asking me to come play with you. I think you did that on purpose. You made the sun shine just right, just to make Mama smile. There was a little brightness in this dark lonely day. All we need is a sliver of sunshine to get us through. You gave me that today my sweet sweet girl. Thank You for choosing me. I love being your Mama. I’ll always be your Mama.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.

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