Dear Eva,
Hey beautiful baby, I’m missing you a lot today. I’ve been teary and sad most of the day. Being cooped up in this empty house all day makes it so hard to deal with all these emotions. Daddy has gone back to work, leaving Mommy working from the house all day by myself. Just me and the yappy puppies. Lots of time with my thoughts. Thoughts of you, thoughts of COVID, fears, hopes, plans, thoughts of changed plans.
I spent some time the other day with a really special friend and we talked a lot about plans. About how nobody could have seen something like this coming a year ago. How we can’t plan for things like this to happen. It’s made me think again so much about how this parallels so many of my feelings from your illness and your passing. Losing you was something we could have never planned for or could have never seen coming. We don’t get to know. Just the way things happened with this virus. We don’t get to know how, why, or when big things are going to happen. Really, what would be the fun in constantly bracing ourselves for the worst if we knew when it was going to happen. Tragedy and crises happen when we least expect it and things like that tear our world’s apart. Tragedy and crises also teach us big lessons. The biggest lesson for me in everything I’ve been through in the last two years is to slow down, appreciate what you have, and don’t get caught up in constantly making plans and looking ahead. When you died I told myself I was never making plans again. You died and we had so many plans that were ripped away from us in the blink of an eye. I was just getting comfortable with planning further than a month in advance and boom. COVID hit and everything was cancelled. Brought me right back to my knees. Now today Saskatchewan is planning to reopen over the next several weeks and we find ourselves planning again and looking forward to the future. I find myself working hard to do my best to enjoy where I’m at right now.
Plans are important. We need to look forward, and we need to know where we are going. That said we also need to be content where we are. The universe knows what we need better than we do. There are no mistakes. There are forces bigger than us at play here. I’ve said it before. I hope this time teaches us how to slow down, how to enjoy where we are right now, how to truly connect. The next thing that is coming isn’t as always as important as where we are right now. Laugh as your partner’s jokes, even though you are stuck with him 24/7 and he just isn’t funny anymore. Let your kids climb on your lap for the 18th time this afternoon, in a year from now you will not regret the extra snuggles, I promise. Bake the cookies for your neighbors. Start the business. Start a gratitude practice. Write the book. Do the things you want to do but keep putting off. Take this time to fill your cup. I know I am. I’m trying incredibly hard not to plan for “after COVID”. I am taking it day by day. Planting tomatoes, and regrowing my lettuce heads. Ordering from local restaurants on Thursdays and baking on Saturdays. Trying my damndest to love on my family even when they make me crazy. I know I’ll miss this extra time with them when it’s over.
It’s taken me a long time to really learn to be ok where I am at. Where I’m at is not exactly where I want to be and it sure as hell isn’t easy. That’s life though, it gives us what we need and doesn’t tell us why. The story is bigger than where I’m at right now and this is just a chapter. There will be new ones ahead. I’m looking forward to those chapters without making a billion plans. I’m appreciative of my past and excited for my future. Those two things don’t mean I have to love making plans though. I used to be so type A, needing a plan for every single minute. Don’t get me wrong, I still like my day being planned out but I don’t feel the need to plan way far out. You never know what might change. For better or worse this is life. Let’s live to the fullest and love even more.
I miss you baby girl. Everyday is one day closer to having you in my arms again. When that day comes my journey will all make sense. It will be full circle and broken plans won’t matter anymore. That’s the day we are waiting for, we are all just broken people on the journey home. I got to walk you home and I’m so incredibly grateful for that. I’m also incredibly happy with the supportive, loving people who are with me everyday, walking me home to you. That’s what this is all about, making the best of our journey home.
I love you baby girl. You will forever be my best friend, my guiding light. Snuggle me tonight, I sure need it. One day closer. That’s all that counts.
Love and Kisses,
Your Mama
Letters to Eva 