April 9, 2020

Dear Eva,

I sure miss you, my baby girl. We’ve been “isolated” now for three weeks. These three weeks of being home constantly have been really hard. Daddy has been home too and that helps. Your absence feels about 100x more heavy these days though. I haven’t spent this much time at home without leaving much since you got sick and we had to say good bye. It’s heavy. I want to hear little feet and loud giggles, instead, all I hear is the constant quiet. Daddy does his thing and Mommy works quietly upstairs. It’s quiet and honestly lonely. I have Daddy and Aunty Jac but it’s lonely. I crave people. I crave routine and interaction.

My chest has been heavy with anxiety since yesterday afternoon. I had a hard time concentrating at work and honestly was a little worried about my heart health for a little while. I spent the evening on the couch feeling off but not hurting. I slept like hell. Waking up often with the racing heart feeling of anxiety. It’s continued off and on all day. I struggled all last week and into this week with making a decision about Easter. We usually go north to see my family. I knew in my head what the right plan was but my heart fought me all along. Finally yesterday at lunch time I told Aunty Jac and Daddy that we wouldn’t be going anywhere this weekend. We would stay here and make our own Easter supper, and just be the three of us. After that is when I started to feel crappy. I think in a way I broke my own heart. This was the smart move. The right thing to do. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. We don’t get back home very often so giving up this trip with absolutely zero guarantee of when it will be safe to go again was so hard.

This global pandemic has been hell on my heart from the start. In mid March when Grandma was here with us for your anniversary and everything started to hit the fan I was scared. That monday morning I woke up with a similar panic in my heart and knew we should stock up on groceries and essentials, just incase. Grandma and I headed out to walmart and filled a cart of thing we genuinely needed, I’m not a hoarder ha! We were standing in line at the till. Lines were long and people were stressed out. Right then is when we learned that Saskatchewan was closing schools down for the remainder of the year. The sweetest lady was standing with us and told us the news. Grandma connected with her and gave her a coffee card and a kindness card. We had a good connection and it felt good. When Grandma and I loaded up the car with groceries and pulled out of the parking lot it all started to sink in. I had to bite back tears. I was so scared. I’m still so scared.

I’m worried for all our medical family friends that have little kids with suppressed immune systems. I’m worried for my grandparents. I’m worried for Grandma and Aunty Jac who continue to go to work every day in the medical field. The news and live updates are constant. Death tolls, increasing case numbers, theories about isolating, theories about not isolating, judgmental comments, and people scrutinizing eachothers grocery shopping habits. It all quickly becomes too much. The number of people that I’ve decided to “unfollow” on social media grows every single day. I’ve got no mental space left for people who refuse to be compassionate or kind while the world spirals out of control. I 100% believe that those are two things we need the most of right now to get through this thing as a society. We are all terrified and living through this. We need to remember that and put a smile on our faces and try our best to pass that on to somebody who might need it more. It’s not easy but it’s worth it. Trust me. I’ve been in a hell worse than this one and I can promise you a smile at the right times saved me.

This virus is so scary for me because this is exactly how I lost you. You caught a viral cold and your immune system was too weak to fight it. That’s basically what it comes down to. You were immunocompromised. Kids like you all over the world are at a huge risk right now and it terrifies me. All the Mama’s I’ve become friends with over the last two years who have children fighting ITP. My heart is bleeding for them right now. Our Mya and her family. She’s healthy now but that doesn’t mean this doesn’t scare the crap out of them either. I’m doing my best to love all of those warriors by doing my part and staying home. Even when all I want is a hug from my mom and my grandmas. Staying home isn’t for me, it’s for the ones I love the most. That’s become my mantra lately. There are so many people I cannot wait to see. There will be so many big bear hugs that I hope will last forever after this is over.

We will get through this. Things will return to normal and I will get those bear hugs. We will emerge stronger than before. I hope that there are lessons learned from this situation. I hope the world slows down a bit. I hope people truly realize what they have and how little they need. I hope people cherish these days with their kids. I hope we learn to become a little more self reliant as a country and that we use the resources we have and don’t take those for granted. I also hope the world continues to feel so United as it does now, with all the live videos and people really using social media for the RIGHT reasons.

I miss you, Turkey Bird. I love you with all my heart. I feel you with me so much right now and that really helps my broken, anxious heart. Snuggle Mama and Daddy tonight okay? We love you. We miss you.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.


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