January 11, 2020

Dear Eva,

It’s a new year. A second full year without you here. Another book of 365 empty pages lays in front of us. I hate that I don’t get to write you name in the day to day of those 365 pages. I find New Years harder than Christmas. It’s incredibly hard to begin a new year without you. To step forward with the rest of the world feeling like I’m leaving you behind. Moving forward is necessary but that doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes I feel stuck and confused on how to handle these feelings. It feels good to feel good but it also feels awful to feel good some days. Guilt and all of that. Guilt is the absolute worst part of this entire journey.

We have big plans this year, nine days in and we already have big exciting plans. I wish with all my heart those plans included your physical presence. We have big plans however, to honor you, the way we always do. Mama is always doing her best to have you name out in the world and to share your love and legacy with the world. I’m excited to share Random Acts of Kindness for you in March, and to give away another bike in October. I’m excited to talk about you as much as I possibly can. I’m excited about the opportunities I’ve been presented already this year to share your story. I’m excited to continue writing here, to continue sharing on my Instagram page, and just being open with this journey and my love for you.

Everything I do has you in mind my baby girl. Every little step I take is calculated and measured these days in order to protect my heart and my dreams. I was given the opportunity to have a Young Living booth at a Trade show in March. Of all the weekends in March, this trade show falls on the weekend of March 13-15. Hearing this terrified me. I had to really think about this decision because I didn’t know if I would be able to make through the days without tears. The first anniversary of your passing I made sure I didn’t have any plans, I stayed home close to your daddy and grandma who made sure to protect my heart. When this opportunity was presented to me I knew I had to meditate on it and really find out what my heart could handle. That same day I left work heading for lunch and the first song that came on the radio was “Good Bye Earl” by the Dixie Chicks. I knew right then that was you telling me, “Do it, Mama. I’ve got you”. Without hesitation I told Leah, yes please, sign me up! I’m very excited for this opportunity and I’m going to use it to spread some kindness on a way bigger scale. I haven’t completely figured that out yet, but it is set to be my next big project and I’m incredibly excited to start. It will give me something to focus my energy on, because the energy can be pretty overwhelming and nerve wracking at times. It’s a healthy outlet. Giving back feeds my fire like nothing else.

I’ve had a great start to my year at work, which has been exciting as well. I’ve worked hard the last 3 years in this position and these last few months have been the most rewarding so far. Things are falling in place and a 10,000 tonne week was a great way to start off the first full week of the year. Today comes after the busiest week in a long time. Today started very slow and quietly, and with this long needed post. Daddy is out all day, Aunty is leaving this evening. Mama is going to spend the day very lazily and quietly. Lots of pampering and comfort food. Maybe a little cleaning, but mostly relaxing. It’s much needed and well earned. Long busy weeks are a very good thing, but relaxing weekends are also so very important.

Life has been moving so fast. Scary fast. Things have been crazy, scary, fun, exciting, new, and strange. We are continually learning new things about life every day, especially now. We love you and miss you every day, Turkey Bird. We can’t wait to spend this entire new year honoring your memory and loving you from afar. You are the most special little girl and you always will be. You will always be top of mind for us. Thinking about you every single day. Loving you every single second of every day. You are our perfect angel and we love you.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.

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