Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

I’ve stared at this blank page for a while tonight. I know what I want to write about but I have no idea how to open it. As always I miss you more than I have words to say. This post isn’t really about my grief or missing you though. I guess these posts don’t have to be perfect. I know that I’ve made posts without addressing them with you, but that feels weird to me to. I feel in a limbo of the way I really want to see this blog go. I guess for now, I’ll just write what feels right and what calls to me at the moment. Tonight I want to address something I see often on social media that really gets to me sometimes. Since we said goodbye I often get frustrated with social media and avoid it, especially facebook. The other day I stumbled on a post that caught my attention, and as always it wasn’t the post, but the comments that fired me up.

The post went something like this. It was posted on Love What Matters by a Mama of a Cancer Fighter. The Mama worded it in the sense of “When you are being kicked in bed by little feet, I’m wishing I could hold my baby.” and things along these lines. She finished the post with “Please just hold and love your babies for me.” The things this mother wrote are exactly what I was feeling deep in my heart. What I feel most days. It was when I went to the comments and saw things like the following. “I really truely feel for this mother, but just because she has it worse doesn’t mean my day is hard.” “This mom’s situation doesn’t lesson anybody else.”

So here it comes… Those comments are nothing but true. Everybody’s situations are real, valid, and worthy. I don’t believe we should compare ever, or make anyone ever feel less than. I also believe that this Mama didn’t mean to do any of those things, I don’t think there was any malice intended in that post. The day to day with little humans is HARD. Healthy or fighting for their lives, it’s hard. The days are so long and it’s hard to see past the tantrums and the feet in your ribs at night. I think that this Mama was just gently reminding us that we should look “big picture” more often. That we get so caught up in the day to day we forget how quickly it can all be gone away. That there really are Mama’s out there that would give anything to have their two year old losing it in the middle of Walmart. I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t the most patient Mama at the best of times. I complained, I begged for extra sleep or alone time, I even said things like “I just don’t want to ‘mom’ right now”. Knowing what I know now I wish like hell I had slowed down just a tiny bit. I really really believe that’s all this Mama meant. What’s worse is that mom probably read those comments and second guessed what she wrote. I really don’t think she should.

Do you think that people second guess when they share memes that say things like this? “The wife and I decided we don’t want kids. We’ll be telling them at dinner.” I highly doubt it, it’s a good laugh right? They don’t mean any malice behind it either. Except, the same way that mom’s post may have made you feel “less than” that meme is terribly hard for a loss mom to read. I feel like loss parents see so much of that kind of stuff on a daily basis. Coffee mugs that say “Today’s goal, keep the tiny humans alive.” make us feel like we’ve utterly failed. Posts that shame misbehaving kids make us ache to have our misbehaving toddlers back. I see this stuff constantly and rarely do I comment for fear of being judged or attention seeking or to make some one feel “less than”. I watch my words so much more now because I know my pain makes others uncomfortable. Sometimes it takes everything in me not to say something like, “Oh well, let’s trade places then, My husband and I want kids”. If you read that on a post you made that was supposed to be a funny joke it would probably make you feel like hell for posting it in the first place. Do you think that those comments made on this Mama’s post made her feel any different than that? Think about it for a minute, and no, it’s not different. Both scenario’s would have hurt feelings. END OF STORY.

I find that I have always had very big feelings, ever since I was young, and I’ve always been very vocal about these feelings. I’ve spent so much of my life hearing things like, “Not everybody is raised the way you are.”, “Not everybody has your heart, Jessica.”. True. Also though, how hard is it to just be kind? Some people are just awful and we are cultured to make excuses. Making the world kinder, starts within. I refuse to let my situation make me bitter, even though some days I am a miserable b-word. That’s where it starts. It starts by knowing that if you comment might make someone feel guilty, it’s probably better left unsaid. You know, what we learn when we are five. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. It takes nothing extra to stop and think about what you have to say before you say it. It takes nothing to be kind. If you don’t like what you see just scroll past and complain about it to your husband, like I do!

We are in this together. In a time that “the village” doesn’t seem to exist any more is when I feel we need it the most. We need to protect each other’s hearts just as much as we need to protect our own. Don’t tear each other down. Reach out to your friends when you need them, or even just when they cross your mind. This might be my hippy-dippy side talking, but if they cross your mind, there might just be a reason. Maybe they need you, maybe the universe is guiding you. Just be gentle. You never know what is happening in someones day. Even the people closest to you may not share their heart for fear of being judged or feeling small. Hell, sometimes I feel this way in my own MARRIAGE. My husband and I love each other so much, and we are strong at our core, but we have very differing opinions when it comes to our grief. I know that both of us sometimes keep things in, in order to protect ourselves and each other. It’s easier to bring it up to somebody else than argue at home. It’s compromise and respect.

Eva, I miss you. I love you so much. I am so glad that I had 884 days with you. I’m very greatful for everyday, even the hard ones. You were a typical fiery toddler and you pushed my buttons. You were wild and brave. You were everything a toddler should be. My patience and temper were tested often, and sometimes failed me. For that I am sorry, but I also know how loved you were and how those things didn’t hurt you. I know you know you are so loved. I will love you forever and ever. You are the light of my life baby doll! I love you so darn much!

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.