Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

Change. One little word that holds a lot of power over our lives. Lots of times change can be an incredible thing. Change can be happy and exciting. Our lives change for the better often – new jobs, marriage, babies, new friends, new dreams. There are so many positive things about change. Sometimes change is devastating, earth shattering, life altering. Divorce, Death, Loss. These aren’t changes we ask for. These changes often knock us to our knees and change us deep in our soul. Loosing you is that change for me. I’ve walked away from that event a completely different person. Here are a few of the ways Child Loss has changed me, for better or worse.

1. My mental health is erratic at best, but has become a number one priority for me. As one may imagine child loss and the grief that comes along with it are very big things for our brains to take on. It left me depressed, anxious, and overall very moody. Those emotions made me realize how much help I really needed. I have gotten that help, I spent hours in therapy, mostly bawling. I’ve learnt that caring for my heart is the most important thing. Caring for my mental health means learning to say No when things are too much. It means telling people when they’ve hurt me. It means letting the world know what I need. It means long baths and lots of essential oils.
2. I have limited patience these days. The smallest things send me into a tail spin. Aunty Jack complains about her day and it has the potential to make me so angry because she just has no idea. Petty things frustrate me quickly. I will be vibrating mad over a parenting meme I scrolled across on Facebook.  Don’t get me started on complaints about mundane normal life things.
3. That being said – I’m infinitely more patient with the little people in my life. Seriously. Child Loss has 100% made me a better Aunty. Simply said I just value those little souls so much. They heal me every time I see them. They fill my empty arms and these days I’m pretty sure Aunty would let them get away with almost anything. I will fight to the ends of the earth to keep those little darlings safe. Emma, Amie, Addi, Rowan, Oliver, Wyatt, Aunty Jess loves you so much and will always be your safe place.
4. I have a stronger faith now than I have ever had in my life.  I need to believe in a power bigger than myself. I need to believe I will see you again. I need to believe that you chose Mommy and Daddy to be your parents. I need to believe this is part of a bigger plan. I need to believe something good is coming to our family. Faith is one of the only things that has been keeping my head above water.
5. I’m Passionate. I feel this deep pull to share my story. I feel called almost, to share our story. I need the world to know who you are, to know what your disease is and how to handle it. I’ve let that passion drive everything we’ve done in your honor. The more we do and share the more strength and passion I find. I want to share not only your story but your personality and happiness too. All you knew in your lifetime was love and that’s the legacy I want to leave with the world.
6. I’m focused. This loss has taught me what I want. It’s taught me who I really can be and who I want to be. I’ve learned to focus my love and attention on my family and friends because I know that I just have so much love to give. This loss have given me a drive that I’ve never known before. I may almost be so focused on others and on work because it helps me avoid the scary thoughts. Which may be detrimental in a way but it hasn’t consumed me, just reset my focus. Work hard and Love harder.
7. I’ve learned to let things go. Heavy, ugly grief has taught me how little the tiny worries actually matter. Even the big things get easier to handle when you learn to relax and not let fear and worry control everything you do. Missing your child with everything in you teaches you that what that text might have really meant absolutely doesn’t matter.
8. I am an awful traveler these days. I’m jumpy and anxious anytime I’m not in the drivers seat. I still haven’t really realized why this is. I guess mostly just terrified of something bad happening again. I am completely on edge and hyper aware of everything around us. Even worse if I have to sit in the back seat. Even once we get where we are going my tummy is upset and I’m jittery for a little while.
9. I love so much harder. I make sure those around me know it. If I have love to give you, you won’t have a doubt in your mind that it’s real. My biggest fear is that I didn’t show you enough love as your mommy and now I am over compensating. I know deep in my heart that you know my love was real but I still worry. I guess now that is to the benefit of everyone else now. I think I tell your daddy I love him about 17,653 times every day. He knows. Just like you know.

I miss you every day Eva Diva. I hope that you continue to guide me to become the Mama and woman I am supposed to be. I hope that I am making you proud as you watch us forge this path without you. We love you more than anything in the world. We are greatful for every single breath we had with you. I love you to heaven and back Turkey Bird.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.