May 30, 2019

Dear Eva,

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I’ve been feeling so stuck these past few days. I’ve been snappy and if I’m not snappy, I’m bawling. Not just a few tears. Big full on ugly cry at the drop of a hat. It’s been a struggle to say the least. That is what I find is the hardest part of this whole journey. I will be doing so good. Happy and feeling great for weeks. Then boom. Out of nowhere I am laying on the front lawn sobbing because I just can’t move anymore. I just can’t go on. Sometimes the big cry helps and then I’m good again. This time it feels like I’ve been crying for a week straight with no end in sight. I feel stuck. I feel trapped. Your Daddy and Grandma, as always, have been lifesavers for me. Even though I know I treat them so poorly when this happens. They are there to pick me up off the floor no matter what I said to them before I crashed. I can’t put into words how helpful and wonderful that is for me to have that support.

Grief Journal Prompt #5 – Things I Miss the Most.

1. Your Laugh. You would laugh for hours and it warmed me right down to my soul. Your laugh filled a room and carried even further.

2. Your smile. You did this weird cheese face that was so fake but we loved it. Your eyes would squint and your nose would squish. I stare at the pictures of that face for hours. It was your go to smile and it lit up our whole world. I would beg you to “smile nice” but now I’m so glad I have more of the silly smile than the nice smile. I want to remember that silly smile that made me so crazy.

3. “MAAAAAAAAAA!” You would yell at me from three rooms away. It made me soooooo mad. “Don’t call me ma!” Then you would get so sweet and ask “I call you Mama?”. The last few months we had were filled with so much of this very conversation. What I wouldn’t give to have you holler that at me one more time. I’ll always be “Ma”. I’ll always be “Mama”.

4. The snuggles. You were such a great cuddler. You did cuddle many people but you sure did cuddle your Mama. I hate how empty my arms are these days. Especially before bed. The before bed rocking chair snuggles were my favorite. You didn’t want Mama to out you down. Now I know why. If only I knew that then. I was always in such a rush. An exhausted medical Mama who needed her own sleep. I had no idea how quickly those snuggles would be coming to an end. That’s the hardest part. Knowing how rushed I was sometimes. If I could go back I would make me settle down.

5. The family time. I loved the long walks Daddy and I would take with you in your stroller. We would walk for hours. You would have your bed time bottle and then we would carry you into your crib. I miss being three.

I can’t read through the tears anymore. I love you sweet girl. I miss you. I wish you were here. You should be here. Until Heaven, baby girl.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.

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