May 1, 2019

Dear Eva,

Hey Baby Girl! I miss you! I love you to heaven and back!

Grief Journal Prompt #4 – The First Time We Met.The first time we met, your birth story! I think about that day often and I’m not sure why I’ve never written it down. You came into this world in a total whirl wind and it was a long couple of days. I’ll start at the very beginning.Friday afternoon Aunty Jack and I went to pick up her new glasses and we also got to visit with Aunty Holly. I remember laughing at Holly when she said, “Holy you are huge! We are going to have a baby before the weekend is over!” I thought she was crazy, we were still 3 or so weeks away from your due date and I didn’t feel ready to have a baby at all!

This particular weekend was Thanksgiving weekend and it was a busy one. Daddy worked Saturday so Mama stayed home and made an apple crisp and waited for him to be done work. I remember texting Aunty Chanda and telling her, “I feel great today! I have so much more energy than I have had the last few days!” She laughed and told me I was nesting and we would probably have a baby soon. Again, the words No Way quickly came to mind.

That evening after Dad was done work we headed out to Nana and Papa’s to spend a couple nights out there for Thanksgiving like we do every year. We had a delicious supper and went for a nice walk with Aunty Chanda and watched Uncle Richard work on the play structure at the park. I joked to your daddy that he should carry me home unless he wanted a baby that night. He laughed and made me walk. Soon everybody went to bed for the night.

3 AM comes along and Mama woke up feeling wet. Hmmm in heavily pregnant, did I just pee the bed or did my water break. I was positive I was still leaking water but I waited until about 5 AM to call the hospital. They told me to head in sometime that morning and they would check me out. I told them I was going to wait an hour or so before I woke up my husband, I wasn’t having pains or anything else. Still was very unconvinced that I didn’t just pee the bed. So 7 AM ish rolls around and I finally say to your dad, “Hunny”. He says “What?”. I told him, “I’m not sure but I think my water may have broke. I called the hospital and they told me we need to go get checked.” “Okay!” And he jumped out of bed and was dressed faster than I’ve ever seen before. We headed down stairs and Nana and Papa asked what was going on, “I think my water broke.”, “Oh! Okay! Drive safe!” Off we went.

We got to the hospital and it was a blur of nurses and being checked. They were very indecisive on whether or not my water had actually broken. They sent us home with directions to come back if anything had changed. Around noon I got a call and the nurses told me our Dr wanted me back in at 8 PM to check again. At this point I had already called Grandma Cindy and she was on stand by to head down at any time. Aunty Jack and I went and got some groceries and did some walking around in an attempt to make the labour come on. Nothing. Daddy and I are supper and headed on back to the hospital.

The night nurse was very shocked to hear that I was leaking all day. The day nurses told her I wasn’t but had told the dr they thought my water had broke. Que the panic as the same scenario happened to my mom when my sister was born and the outcome was very scary. Anyway. She checked me again and sure enough, water was broken. Started IV antibiotics and sent home to get some sleep. If labor doesn’t start on it’s own we will induce you at 8 AM, be back at the hospital for 5 AM. Well crap. By the time we got home it was after 10. So we promptly went to bed.

By 3 AM I was awake and contracting! Great news, except for the lack of sleep. I had a warm bath and some toast. Your daddy was up shortly after and we headed in to the hospital. IV antibiotics and start walking the halls. Grandma Cindy was on her way down and Nana was planning on coming into town around noon. We walked and walked and walked. Finally around 11 the Dr came in to check me and I was at 2 CM. Oh boy. So she sent me home for lunch, come back at 1 and we will start the pitocin.We had lunch and Met Grandma Cindy at the house. I had a warm bath and walked some more. Labour was consistent but slow.

Once we headed back to the hospital we walked some more and the dr started the IV saline and pitocin around 3 PM. By 5 PM I was begging for pain relief. They had me on continuous monitors and nobody ever really gave me the option to move around. I had this massive contraction, squeezing both Daddy and Grandmas hands and shaking and probably holding my breath. Bad I know. Your Grandma looked at me and said you are doing so good! I yelled “NO!” The pitocin made the contractions come on fast and hard, back to back. After another particularly painful contraction your daddy looks me in the eye and says, “You sure you still want 4?” I think I slapped him. Butthead!

Epidural was in by 6 I think and then I got a few minutes to relax. By a few I mean it seemed like as soon as I had calmed down I got the urge to push. Like now. So the nurse checked me and I was at 7 cm. Can’t push yet but we are going to call the Dr. The nurses helped me adjust position to help me avoid pushing. It wasn’t long after and that, maybe an hour and the nurse said “We need to check her again. She’s struggling”. The new nurse reaches up there and goes, “10 CM! And I feel hair!” Oh go away lady I don’t care.

With almost perfect timing Dr. Savoy walks in and says “I’m here, baby girl, you start pushing if you need to. I’m going to go get changed.” She comes back in these bright red calf pulling boots and I thought holy heck here we go. The next bit is pretty blurry. I’m getting ready to push and your dad is fielding fantasy football trades!! Again, butthead. He finished that and promptly came to hold my hand. We pushed for about 15 minutes and with a little pull from the doctor they laid this beautiful, kind of purple, baby on my chest. You didn’t really cry but your were breathing and after a few flicks to your feet you let out some good wails. I looked at your daddy and said, “We did it! Look at her fingers!”

Baby Eva Alice Peters was born at 9:41 PM, October 12, 2015 on Thanksgiving Monday. You weighed 6lbs 7oz, same as your Mommy! You were 21.5 Inches long, tall like your Daddy. You had dark hair and dark eyes and nobody knew where you came from hahaha! You soon lost that dark hair and became a little blonde hair blue eyed angel!

I remember not being able to look away from you. I spent the next few nights in the hospital just staring at you in complete awe and wonder! I had never felt so whole and complete in my life. I had no idea I could love a tiny being so much. You filled my heart so full. You made me Mama and you made your Mama strong. You changed me for the better in ways I never imagined.Thank Yoh for choosing me, Turkey Bird! Mama and Daddy wouldn’t change a single day we had with you. You made us parents, you taught us unconditional love, you taught us about eachother. Your mission was complete. Short and Sweet! I miss you. I’ll never stop missing you. Until I see you again, sweet cheeks!

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama!

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