Dear Eva,
I just spent what seems like forever transferring 2093 pictures on to a USB drive. Every single picture I have of you. Which might be a lot but is honestly not nearly enough. I know that Aunty Jack has a bunch too that I’ll have to steal one day but for now having all of the ones I have in one place feels pretty good. I’ve got them playing on a digital picture frame in the living room. My heart is smiling now. After a long day of big emotions and a break down in Walmart this morning it feels really good to have a tiny bit of peace. Those moments have been few and far between the last little while so I treasure them when they come. It’s hard to be happy right now as every day I feel like I’m completely reliving the same day one year ago. Again I’ve found much peace writing those hard memories down here. I’ll take it as it comes.
February 9, 2018. Day 3 in RUH in Saskatoon. At 3:00 AM you and Grandma were awake with an acute nosebleed. Those nosebleed’s sucked because it wasn’t like you were bleeding a large amount but they dripped off and on for hours. With ITP any amount of bleeding is incredibly stressful. Grandma said, “At 5:00 I almost called you to come.” She wasn’t worried about you but she knew how uncomfortable you were and how much you wanted your mama. Being the trooper she was, she let Mama sleep and I came to the hospital around 7:30, like I always did.
At 8:00 the doctors came in and they suspected you had a UTI on top of everything else. No wonder you refused to pee on the potty! Right then it all clicked for me. Now we started an antibiotic, tranexamic acid for the acute bleeding, and we continued with the dex. You remained on the Tranexamic Acid for the rest of your journey. Also something that I didn’t remember until I started writing this blog today, the day before this we were asked to get a urine sample from you. That was absolute hell. Like I said you refused to pee on the potty and the doctors began to threaten a catheter. Mama was stressed. Finally a friendly nurse said, “Oh! Let’s just put a bag on her diaper!” Whew. Relief. So, needless to say they finally got your sample, and it all started to make sense. As if you needed a UTI on top of everything else.
Again we spent the day walking the halls as much as the nurses and doctors would let us. You would not stay in your hospital room at all. If we had to be in there we basically had to force you into your crib because you were that determined to leave. IV in your foot and everything. We walked and walked and walked. Mama and Grandma lived on Starbucks and salads from the cafeteria. It’s funny, we spent so many hours walking the halls of the hospital, we would get into an elevator and you would yell “It’s the coffee one!” or “It’s the beaver one!” or whatever picture you saw in the elevator. Also, you called them the “alligators”! Grandma and I laughed so hard every single time. Actually, leaving the hospital for the last time without you we all crammed into the elevator and when the door shut I started to giggle (as much as a person can giggle through sobs) and I said to everybody “IT’S THE COFFEE ONE!” Ugh. Yucky memories. Anyway.
We walked the halls so much that grandma called your daddy and asked him to bring your stroller. This way you would be more comfortable and we could use it to walk to RMH on your passes from the hospital. That afternoon we got to visit Aunty Rosey and her Mom, Grandma Cindy (yes another grandma Cindy haha.). It wasn’t a real great visit. You were pretty tired and looking back because of the UTI very uncomfortable and moody. We walked with them and visited before their appointments. You fell asleep in the stroller so we had lunch and visited as much as we could.
A few hours later, we were in your hospital room and in walks your Daddy pushing your stroller with a GIANT PINK BEAR! You were over the moon excited and your mama bawled. I was so relieved to hug your daddy. Instantly relaxed. We both missed him so much. It wasn’t long after Dad and Aunty got there that we were able to go over to RMH for your afternoon pass. We all went up to our room and got you relaxed for a nap and just spent some time relaxing. We ordered pizza for supper and just spent some time together. You were happy to play with Daddy and Aunty and all was well in your little world.
Your Aunty had a hard time adjusting to being at RMH, “with so much sadness”. We finally got her convinced it was okay and once she relaxed she had a good time too. The next day she got to see Anika and spent some time away from the hospital and that sure helped her too. It was so freaking nice to have your Daddy and Aunty there as a second line of defense that allowed Mama to relax a bit for a couple days. It made a big difference in everybody’s moods. Again, I credit how well Mama did through everything to the tonnes of support we were given, in hospital and at home. It meant a lot then and means so much still.
I miss you Goober. Your my favorite. Snuggle Mama tonight, would ya? I need extra love tonight. You are my hero my girl. I hope you always know how much I love you. How much you taught Mama. How much your mama and daddy both needed you so. Thank you for choosing us, Turkey Bird.
Love and Kisses,
Your Mama.
Letters to Eva 