Dear Eva,
Good Morning, baby bug. I miss you so much. Feeling pretty down on myself today. The loneliness likes to creep in and remind me of what is missing, especially when I’m already feeling out of it to start the day. I hate feeling so empty. Feeling a major loss of purpose these days. Very unsure of what’s next. Where do we go from here? How do we form an understanding and acceptance that you won’t ever be on earth again? How do we go forward knowing that someone will always be missing in our family picture? Who am I without you? I find myself questioning so much these days. Feeling so lost and alone.
February 6, 2018 – The first trip to Saskatoon to see the Hematologist. Dr. Sinha, another one of our angels in disguise. We went to the hospital here in Swift, got your blood work taken and then ran and got some McDonald’s and hit the road. We were meeting Grandma Cindy in Saskatoon and spending the night in a hotel. Planning to head to the hospital in the morning. When we got to Rosetown we stopped for a potty break and a treat. Dr Gali called while we were stopped. Your platelet count was at 6000. She told me to continue on to Saskatoon and Dr. Sinha would take care of you once we got there. We got you a chocolate milk and continued on. We met Grandma at Walmart in Saskatoon and got some snacks and some supper and headed over to the hotel. We got settled in and then we took you swimming! Little did I know then, that would be the last time you would get to swim. Sad Mommy moment here.
That night in the hotel was a long one. Mom couldn’t hardly sleep already because of my nerves and you woke up at around 3 AM with a nose bleed. we just barley got that under control and got you back to sleep and then it was time to get up and get ready to make the adventure over to the hospital. While you were getting dressed you stubbed your toe on the bathroom door and it bled for quite some time. Thank goodness we were on our way to get this stuff figured out. We went downstairs and had some breakfast. Looking back now I feel bad for my attitude. I was moody and stressed and nervous. We got to the hospital and got parked and made our way in. We got signed in and set you up in the toy room to play and Mama sat and fidgeted waiting to see the doctors.
It seemed like forever we got called back and we finally got to see Craig. He was a doctor in training and I know he fell in love with you the minute he saw you too. Just like everybody did. Craig took a look at you and said, “I’m not sure why you weren’t sent to us sooner. Let me get Dr. Sinha, but you won’t be going home today.” All I did was cry. There we were, 3 hours away from home and Stormy, and over 4 hours away from your Daddy. I didn’t know anybody and I had no idea how long this hospital stay would be. Dr. Sinha came in and explained to us our next steps. We were to be admitted and they were going to try some new IV steroids. Dr. Sinha had the nurses call Ronald McDonald House and started getting Grandma and I set up to get settled over there. Your Daddy called and Mama hyperventilated to him on the phone. I was terrified. After I talked to your dad I went and got a coffee. At this point we were back sitting in the waiting room and I needed something to calm my nerves. Once I came back to the waiting room I saw Grandma was talking to somebody we didn’t know. That somebody was (and still is) another Angel in disguise. Brittani and her husband were there with their Daughter Summer. Summer has basically the exact opposite blood disease that you had. Brittani reached out when she saw that Grandma & I (mostly Mama) were in distress. She offered up absolutely anything that we needed. Grandma really did consider parking her truck at their house because at this point we had no idea what to do. We ran into Brittani and Summer a few times at the hospital in Saskatoon and they always stopped to visit and give us a hug.
Soon we were sent up stairs and the nurses got you set up with a crib and started your IV line and a whole bunch of medication. They brought us diapers and snacks and were so kind. Our first nurse, whose name is escaping me, was Mama’s favorite. She was so kind and patient with us. Like I said they went above and beyond to get us all set up. At this point Grandma called Aunty Brooke and asked her to come help us out. I was so happy to see a familiar face. Brooke was there as quickly as she could be and she helped grandma pick up her truck and took her over to Ronald McDonald house. At this point you were restless and grumpy and refusing to pee on the potty. I really didn’t think much of it, just that you had enough. We powered through and got your meds started. You had some toys grandma picked up and that really helped settle you down. We got settled and that night after you fell asleep Mama got a ride over to Ronald McDonald house for a much needed sleep.
I will continue this tomorrow. That first hospital stay was a long 7 days. This was Tuesday/Wednesday. So many feelings came flooding right back this morning when your picture popped up in my memories today. That first hospital stay in Saskatoon was so scary and unknown. Looking back I am so thankful for all of the amazing staff that were by our side the entire time. I know deep in my heart that you touched each and everyone of those people deeply in the short time they all knew you. Through absolutely everything you went through you were a total trooper. Still as bubbly and as happy as could be. I’m also so very thankful for all of that. On such an emotional journey you, the two year old, were Mama’s rock. Well you and of course Grandma.
I miss you sweet girl. I love you all the way to Heaven and Back. Forever and Ever. One day closer to kissing your sweet face hello again. I love you. You are and always will be Mama’s hero. I’ll see you in my dreams tonight.
Love and Kisses,
Your Mama.
Letters to Eva 