December 20, 2018

Dear Eva,

I feel like such a Grinch. I’ve been moody and unable to get into the real spirit. I put a smile on and, just barley, go through the motions. This was your favorite time of year, you loved all of the lights and decorations. All the treats in your advent calendar, all of the time spent with family. Christmas is so much about the kids and I loved spending the days watching you experience all the wonder. Now I’m empty. All of the pictures of Kids on Santa’s knee break my heart and leave me feeling left out. The Christmas Cards we receive that no longer have you name on them pull the scabs off of my broken heart. In the same breath I’m not sure what I would prefer the cards say but I just don’t want my fear of you being forgotten to come true. I sign everything, Love, Jordon, Jess, & Angel Eva. I used to worry that it may make others uncomfortable but I’ve come to learn, you were here, you are my daughter, and I will always include you, because it heals my heart. It doesn’t matter what others feel when they read it, only what I feel when writing it. I didn’t omit your name when you were here, why the heck should I now? I love you just the same as I did 10 months ago. That won’t ever change.

I’m taking these next ten days one breath at a time. We have so much jam-packed into such a short window of time and I’m terrified of how hard it is going to be. I’ve decided that I’m going to start this whirl wind week off by attending a Church Service tomorrow night, dedicated to those of us grieving this holiday season. I feel the need to ground my faith before we head out on all the Christmas firsts. The first Christmas Party that I don’t need to book a sitter, Your Daddy’s first birthday without you, Our first drive north together without you. The list is really endless all the firsts that we will experience in such a short time frame. I’m already struggling so much this week, lots of tears already and many more to come. I’m sure going to try my best to breath through it and capture any small amount of peace and joy as it comes. I’m going to rely on your daddy and your grandma and all my other supports to carry me through when it gets hard. I’m going to pack my essential oils and my prescription and probably my teddy bear that wears your jammy shirt and with any luck it will be easier than I fear it will. I will survive. I know I will and I know it’s okay that I won’t be okay most of the time.

I don’t like to say why me and dwell on the things that I can’t change and just focus on the things that I can control. However, this absolutely sucks. It’s awful that I don’t understand. It’s something much bigger than me and I hate that I don’t have the answers. No Mama should ever have to spend Christmas without their children. No Mama should have to have memorial ornaments on her tree instead of a new handmade one every year. No Mama should have to plan to ” just survive” the holidays. No Mama should be afraid to be in the Mall when Santa is there. This is cruel. It is the most unbearable thing I’ve ever experienced and its 100 times worse because I just don’t understand. I hate that I have to walk this journey. I hate that your Daddy has to walk this journey. Life is incredibly cruel and unfair.

We miss you, Turkey Bird. We want nothing more than to just be a family again. Our arms are empty and our hearts are broken. Your Daddy asked me repeatedly what I wanted for Christmas, and all I could say is, If I told you what I really want it will just hurt you. So he’s on his own in that department this year, but I know he did good. He always does good. He will hold me when I cry and he will be by my side every step of the way. He will push his pain away to help me carry mine. He always does good. One day we won’t be as broken but for this year we will just keep each other close so the pieces don’t fall apart so badly. I Thank God everyday for giving me your daddy! He keeps me safe. He is the best protector of my broken heart. Give him a big birthday sign on Sunday, pretty please pretty girl. I think he’ll need one.

Keep close by these next few days, please Turkey Bird. You will be in my heart the whole time and I know I will think of you often. I love you sweet heart. More than anything in this whole world, I love you. Sending extra Christmas kisses to heaven the next little while. I LOVE YOU.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.

 

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