October 15, 2018

Dear Eva,

Hey Sweet Cheeks! It’s been a whirl wind week. I miss you like crazy. I love you like crazy. I want you back like crazy.

Friday was your birthday. It’s funny because Thursday was a horrible day, Saturday was a horrible day, but Friday was OKAY. I mean not great, but okay. So thank you for that, because I’m sure that was your doing. You made sure tonnes of people reached out, flowers were sent, and pictures were posted. You made sure Mama and Daddy knew we weren’t alone. You made sure you were by my side the whole day – I could feel it. We had a very quiet day that day. Mama put some balloons on your bench, Mama, Daddy, and Grandma had your favorite meal for supper, and Mama gave Oliver his bike! I’m so very glad we decided to do that for Oliver, it gave me so much joy. I’m so happy. It really did keep me excited and sane that whole day. When Grandma and I were walking the bike over to his house I was literally shaking with excitement. I said to Grandma, “It feels like I’m going on a first date.” She laughed and laughed but seriously, I was nervous! Lucky for me, Oliver (and his parents) LOVED IT! I’m sure you knew they would. I hope you were watching the whole thing.

Today is Pregnancy, Infant, & Child Loss Awareness Day. Ughh. Kind of another heavy day. I am in so many Facebook groups made for Mom’s of angels and let me tell you, today is a tough day to be in those groups. So many feelings and emotions running all through my heart and my head today. so many “other” mom’s, just like me. So much emptiness today. Emptiness that we all feel everyday. Another huge realization that we really aren’t alone. No matter how isolating this journey is – we aren’t alone. This club that I am now apart of is home to the most amazing people I’ve ever met. People that have created foundations and are raising money and awareness. People that just insist on spreading kindness in memory of their babies and children. People who are giving it everything they have just to make it through the day. People who have so much love in their hearts with no where for it to go. These are the people who will change the world one day. These are the people that I wish I had met some other way but am still so glad to know. These are beautiful people. Tonight is the wave of light. I lit a candle for you and your little sibling. I sure hope the two of you are together up there. I love you both to Heaven and back.