Dear Eva,
Hey Baby Girl. I miss you. I hope you are okay up there. The last while has been long and hard for Mama down here without you. We survived our first Thanksgiving without our Turkey baby and I have no idea how. I think Thanksgiving is the holiday I feared the most, even more than Christmas, and honestly, I’m happy to have it behind us. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, we were surrounded by family and I’m sure you made sure Amie never wanted to leave my side – which helped. Still, it was HARD. Probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do since you left. This time of year was so full of happy things, milestones, and memories, and this year all of those things are so painful and just breaking the scabs on my heart wide open again. That’s exactly what this feels like, a partially healed wound breaking open again, even the physical pain is there, not just emotional trauma. The pain of my heart beating so fast it feels like its going to break. I think Thanksgiving was so hard and confusing for Mama because you are a Turkey baby. Born Thanksgiving Monday 3 years ago. The whole reason I call you Turkey Bird is because of Thanksgiving and your birthday. You will always be my Turkey Baby, my Turkey Bird. The first one is always the hardest and I truly consider this our first holiday without you. Yes I know you weren’t here for Easter either but Mama was still so numb and in a fog that I don’t think it registered really what was happening then. Now its so obvious and glaringly real that you aren’t here. Easter without you was weird and uncomfortable – Thanksgiving with out you HURT, it hurt like hell. I survived it though, got through it one minute at a time. Now, deep breath, and on to the next challenge.
Yesterday Mama’s friend Amanda had the most beautiful flowers send to my office, just because she knew this week was going to be long and hard on Mama’s heart. I thank God everyday for the friends that support me and let me lean on them in the scariest times. I was not at all expecting the flowers, so of course I bawled when I read the card. I feel so fortunate that people remember and reach out, just because. Aunty Rayleen sent me the sweetest message this morning, again just because she knew Mama needed to hear from her. Aunty Holly for just being there and taking all my crazy snap chat’s in stride. These friends that are remembering Mama this this week and reaching out are truly carrying me through these hard days. Helping me be positive as your daddy and I prepare to survive your first birthday in Heaven.
Such a strange concept – surviving your child’s birthday rather than celebrating it. I’m fully prepared to not want to get out of bed at all on Friday and to have a lot of tears. I’m hoping that its better than I fear but I’m preparing for the worst. Your Daddy and I will spend the day at home quietly this year, leaning on each other as the waves of grief pass us by. We will have Sausages and Moci (Kraft Dinner) for supper, and maybe we will make cupcakes together. We do have one other little thing we have to do that day, which will probably happen after supper. What I have planned has carried me through the days leading up to this week and given me some hope of a little brightness in our day. Feelings of excitement and nervousness over take me now when I think of this plan but I know that it is going to give my heart some peace. I know you will smile down on Mommy and Daddy when reveal our surprise. I know this is something that would have made you so happy if you were able to experience it too.
Baby Girl, Thank you for guiding mama through these hard days. Thank You for making the dryer make noises I’ve never heard today while I was cleaning up in the laundry room. I know it was you, it never beeps mid cycle like that. Thank You for continuously showing Mama and Daddy that you are with us. We need that, some days its all that gets us through. Thank you for giving us the happiest two and a half years of our lives. Thank You for teaching us what it means to love so fiercely and fully. Thank You for making me Mama. Thank You for teaching me so much about life. As we head into your birthday, just two days from now, I find myself reflecting so much on our time together. I am so very glad that for the most part we were all happy and healthy while you were here. Glad that your battle with serious illness was a short one. Thankful that you are no longer in pain and being poked and prodded. Obviously devastated that you had to go. Oh, so so so devastated. It hurts so bad. The loss of you has cut me so deeply that I know I will never be the same. My view of life and the world has changed drastically. I know how precious our time with the ones we love really is. All of this has made me so terrified of life. Of losing anybody again. Of going through anything like this ever again, even watching friends, family, or even strangers go through it. It’s all so scary and unknown and knowing what i know now makes the unknown even scarier.
Sweet Baby, Please know that I think of you everyday. I miss you everyday. Everyday I wish we had more time together as a family of three. I don’t cry everyday any more, and I know you wouldn’t want me to. I do find that the hard days are harder now, even though they are less frequent. It seems now, when grief hits, it hits harder. The anxiety and pain are harder to control when they hit now because it’s stronger. Yes, there are many good days, which is good, normal, and expected. I just find that all the good days make the harder days so much more unexpected. This week has been a string of hard days, which again, I expected, so it is easier to go on and coexist with the grief. When the grief hits out of no where – that’s when it hurts more. When it seems to not even have a trigger.
I added a few things to my windowsill at work, to remind me of you. I miss you everyday and having a few of your things here makes me happy. It makes being here on harder days just a little bit easier. I LOVE YOU! I love you so much my girl. Please snuggle mommy and daddy extra in our sleep the next couple days and know that you will be on our minds a lot. We love you Turkey Bird.
Love and Kisses,
Your Mama.
Letters to Eva 