September 17, 2018

Dear Eva,

I’ve been MIA again – I know. I feel that I’ve regressed a bit in my grief and am feeling like anything I write here will be monotonous and that I’ll just be beating a dead horse. I’m feeling stuck and isolated. The anxiety has been all consuming again for the last few days and its hard to see past those dark moments. Your daddy and I are in very different places in our grief right now, which is totally normal and very expected. It’s hard – so very hard. The one person in my life who 100% completely gets what I’m feeling is having hard time understanding where I am at and vise versa. When your partner in your life journey is on a different page than you it’s hard. It’s hard to see past this rough patch. Our dynamic is still healthy and GREAT but we see things differently regarding our loss of you. I don’t feel “Normal” and your daddy does. “We are just normal people who had an awful, freak thing happen.” While I can see his point of view I have my own. It’s so important that Daddy and I understand that this is all okay, and it’s all “normal”. I guess we come back to that “new normal”. This is work – hard work. Like a whole new full time job and the learning curve is steep and fast. A new job that neither of us asked for.

I’ve decided I need a project – I need something to try and occupy my mind for the next little while and see if I can control the anxiety a bit better. The anxiety is all consuming, I find myself back in a place of over analyzing things I can’t change and don’t have any control over. So what better than to come up with a project that I can control and do at my own pace. Something that I can go to when the anxiety gets hard. Something that will relax me. I’ve decided I’m going to go through the tubs full of your clothes. I have a whole room, ask daddy, full of boxes and boxes of clothes. Lots of them are things you outgrew long before you passed, so there shouldn’t be too many triggers. I’m feeling the need to downsize a bit. I hope one day to give you a sibling and I won’t get rid of all the clothes but seriously – no baby needs nearly the amount you had. So I have decided to slowly start going through the ones that won’t trigger me too badly. I’ll save my favorites and give away the others. If and when we are able to give you a sibling I know that I will want them to have their own clothes as well as some of yours. This is a small step but it’s moving forward none the less. Plus – purging always feels so great. It’s a huge huge release. Maybe, just maybe, it will be what Mama needs at this point in my journey.

I miss you. I miss your perfect blonde hair, your blue as can be blue eyes, and that sweet squishy little tush. I would give anything to squeeze it one more time. One more hug and one more kiss. One more “Wuv you too”. Darn it, baby girl. Life is so hard – I’m grateful that you will never have to experience loss like this. Your life was short but it was so full and so happy. You will never know loss or deep pain. You will never know the hardships that life gives us as we get older. You got 2 great, pure, free, happy years. I guess that’s really all I could have asked for. The happiest years of my life are the ones you got. That gives me comfort. You keep looking out for us down here and I promise with all my heart that one day I will reward you with the biggest hug and kiss I can muster. Until then, just keep us in your light and we will follow. We are listening and watching, baby, I promise.

I love you, I love you, I love you!

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.

PS – This picture is one that popped up in my snap chat memories today, one year ago today exactly. Look how little your “Dormy” pup was!

Snapchat-368594671

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