Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

Lonely. I can spend my days surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. You left a huge hole in my heart. I’m so lonely and empty now that I really don’t recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror any more. I feel so much different without you here. I am no where close to the person I used to be. So very empty and angry. No feelings of purpose. No feelings of reason to go on. Just empty. Just going through the motions of life without you. I’ve become even more of a control freak now. I need my finger on everything and when things slip out of my control I get so so so angry. Frustrated. This is the most frustrating time in my life that I’ve ever had to deal with. Frustrated at things that are bigger than me and things that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand.

Why, why, why? There might be something bigger but I can’t see it. Quite frankly, I don’t want to see it. All I want is to hold you. I want to be able to put you into preschool, to cry on your first day of kindergarten, and again when you graduate high school. To watch you dance with your daddy on your wedding day. You were robbed of all these things and so were your daddy and I. I want nothing more than to watch you grow up. I hate that you had to go. I wish I could go back. I wish I could have you with me just one more day. One more second. One more kiss.

For fuck sake. I just wish I new what I had when I had you. I wish I wouldn’t have complained and rushed through life. I am so thankful for every second we had with you and so sad that we don’t get any more seconds. I miss you. I’m miserable tonight and I just wish I could snuggle with you. I love you sweet cheeks.

Snuggle me in my sleep tonight, pretty please baby. I love you forever and ever.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.