Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

My heart is racing and the panic is setting in. I keep telling my self – breath through it, let yourself feel it. Sometimes that works but tonight it isn’t. The darkness is closing in and hurting my heart feircely. Why you? Why us? Why now? Where do we go from here? What now? So many questions with out answers. So many questions that I think about non stop until my head spins.

Tonight I keep playing your last morning over and over in my head. Wishing I could have done something, anything differently and maybe you would still be here. Maybe if I had woke up sooner. Maybe if I had slept with you in the spare bedroom. Maybe, maybe, maybe. The memory of finding you in your bedroom haunts me so vividly still. It hurts me so bad and sometimes I just can’t think about anything else. All I can do is replay that day over and over and over. I’m so incredibly sad tonight. I wish I was able to move past that day. I’m so hung up on that day that its hard to see all the good days we had before that. All I can see right now is the end of a life that was so loved, treasured, and wanted. Oh so very wanted.

I struggle with that as well. You were so loved, taken care of, treasured, happy, wanted. How could God just rip you away from people that love you so much? Why would God take you from me when there are so many other horrible situations in the world? Why would God ruin something so good and so beautiful? You were sick – I know that. Your body was broken – I know that. Maybe you weren’t going to get better – I would have still taken care of you until my last breath. I would have moved mountains for you. I would give anything to have you back, ITP or not. I would do it all over again and prove every one, god included, wrong. I’m angry with God. When its my time I am going to give you the biggest hug and kiss and then I am going to have a list of questions for God. I’m so angry. How dare he.

As angry as I am, I have faith that one day I will understand all of this. This giant shit storm I’m calling my life right now. I have faith that I’ll figure out how to be happy again and how not to hate God. I have hope for a future of less tears and more happy memories with your daddy. I just wish you could be here. You SHOULD be here. I hope you know how loved you are. Thats my biggest fear. I hope you always knew how loved you are.

I miss you and I want you back. I love you. I will never stop loving you.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.