Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

I’m struggling today. We’ve been so busy again the last couple weeks and coming off of that high is causing a major crash both physically and mentally. My anxiety has taken hold of me and I’ve been very aware of such and trying hard to rest and just let the feelings come.  It’s hard because my anxiety comes out as anger and I know that it’s okay but it is hard to be around other people in those moments, even your daddy and Aunty. I know that they understand but I feel as though I am being very unfair to them. It is so hard to control the anger when it hits and when it happens I immediately feel worse than I did before. Sometimes I just need to hide away on my own for a few hours. I’ve spent most of today sleeping and just by myself. Concentrating on recharging my batteries after a busy week.

I’m in a place now where I still don’t think I fully believe that you are gone forever yet. How can a person be alive and loud and rambunctious one day and not the next? I understand that is how life works, we live and then we die. As much as we understand this, we never expect children to die. Especially not before or without their parents. I wish I could have went with you. I don’t want to die but I hate that you had to go alone. I hate that I can’t be with you. I still don’t understand why you had to go. I tell myself over and over that this was the plan, that we were only supposed to have you for two years. That you had a full, happy, fun life. That the plan is bigger than we are and we have no way of knowing, and no way to control it. Over and over, I try to convince myself. Anything to make the hurt less. It’s not working. I have no idea why it had to be you. I don’t understand. I feel like I took you for granted. I didn’t know what I had while I had you.

I would give anything to see your perfect face again. I just want to hold you, I want to tell you how much I love you. I don’t know where to go from here, everything scares me right now. Every move anyone close to me makes scares me. I’m so terrified of something else awful happening. I’m so very scared. I wish I could go back to the days where I never thought something like this could ever happen to us. The days of having you here and just feeling normal. I don’t want to create a new normal. Any day without you is not ever going to feel normal. Why you? There is no reason for this. There may be many lessons in it but there will never be a reason for it. Never ever.

I miss you. My heart aches everyday. It hurts so bad to go forward without the only thing I want. The longing for you is so strong. My whole body aches for you. So many things left undone. The things we wanted to do with you, things that you’ll never get to experience. I’m watching so many kids your age do new things and hit new milestones and it kills me. The wedding we were at last night had so many little girls running around and dancing with their Mommy’s and Daddy’s. My arms ached so bad for one more dance with you.

Goes to show that I can put a smile on my face and still ache so badly deep down. So many people say to your dad and I all the time, “If I was in your shoes I wouldn’t be able to go on. You are so strong, I don’t know how you are still standing.” We are still standing because its the only choice we have. We have no choice but to survive this hell. No matter how hard it is, it literally cannot get any worse than this. So we get dressed in the mornings, kiss each other good bye and try our best to make it through the day. Because the only other option isn’t even an option to your dad and I. I also know full well that any of these people who say these things to us would survive it too, if they had to. Hopefully they will never have to. I always tell people not to “imagine” what your dad and I are dealing with because if it was up to me no other parent would ever have to do this. No amount of imagination would come anywhere close to what this feels like.

I miss you sweet baby. Things are going to slow down here for the next little while so I promise to write to you more often. I know I said that last time but this time I mean it. I learned this week that I cannot go that long without getting my feelings out again. The anxiety had no where to go and it shows tonight. I love you! I want you here. Man I would do anything if it meant getting you back. Please stay near my girl. Please show Daddy and I you are still with us. We need it. We really really need it.

We love you, Turkey Bird. I’m going to go cry and let all these emotions release now. I’ll write to you again tomorrow. I promise.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.