August 14, 2018

Dear Eva,

Hey Baby Girl! Mama misses you so much! I need to write to you more often, I know that it helps me and gets me through the tough patches. I’ve been struggling with the direction to take to blog the last little while. Putting this all out there comes with some risk of misunderstanding. I’ve decided I’m not going to change anything about it for now. It’s important for me to heal and move forward and this is my outlet. I feel so good when I write to you. It is a huge release of all my fears and emotions. So I am going to try to get back to writing more regularly in hopes of dealing with some of these struggles as they have been getting pretty heavy.

This journey can be so isolating and dark. I’ve said that a million times before, I know, but it’s the truth. The dark days are so long and emotional. The dark days come with tears at my desk for really no reason. The dark days come with searching for a tiny sliver of light in any place I can find it. The dark days come with a long bath and then couch snuggles with daddy. The dark days are hard. The dark days happen frequently and sometimes take me by surprise. Today is a dark day. Today I struggled all day and then after work set out to find my sliver of light. I went out and got some meals for a family in town that needs a little extra help. I went and got part of the surprise I have planned for your birthday. I wanted – no, needed – something to get my spirits up. These dark days are so hard but I also try so hard to push through, to turn the day around. I know that people around me have a hard time with these days, it hurts to see me hurt, but I can’t fight them, and I don’t have to. Sometimes we just need to feel these days full on in order to heal.

The healing comes in so many forms. Today it came in quiet time at my desk and just feeling all the feels. On Saturday it came in the form of a early morning walk with Aunty Jack, afternoon swimming with Emma, and evening dancing with Amie. Saturday I felt so much peace and healing too. We had a really great weekend in the sunshine as a family. I know you were there too. Why else were there so many bunny-hops? Like a million bunny-hops just hanging around all weekend for Mama to admire. I know that was you. I also know that it was you that sent the butterflies and dragonflies for us all to see. I am so calm when I’m out in nature, because I know in my heart that’s where you were happiest too. I know that you spend all your days now in the warm sunshine too.

I miss you. My heart breaks all over again almost everyday. I wish I could be closer to you. I wish you didn’t have to go away. I know one day I’ll see you again and that day will be such a happy day. I can’t wait for that day, until then though, I’ll spend my days with your daddy and the people that have surrounded us with so much love. The people that have been by our sides unconditionally. The people that really listen and don’t judge. The people that still bring treats and hugs out of the blue just to check in. The people that send links and articles that have been so helpful to mama. The people who have wrapped me up in their arms and hearts. These people know exactly who they are and I hope they know how much I love and appreciate them. I can only hope they know that I will jump on the chance to help them out too.

There are also people I’ve felt that I’ve had to step back from and learn to guard my heart a bit. This is the time in my life that it’s incredibly important that I take care of me and keep myself healthy. I don’t need more pain. It’s so true that in times of pain and struggle you really see peoples true colors and learn who deserves your heart. Just one of the many lessons that your passing has taught me baby girl. I hate that it had to be this to teach me these things but I’m learning and I’m listening. Please continue to teach Mama.

I love you Baby Cakes. I hope you always know how much you are loved. Forever will be the most loved little girl in the world.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.

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