Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

Okay Baby. Mama is listening. Yesterday I woke up and jumped in the shower and the anxiety and missing you hit me very hard. I stood in that shower for a long time trying to get control of the anxious feelings before they took over. I stood there so long I was pretty rushed and late running out the door. The fear was starting to take over. I felt like the whole day was going to be horrible and I was just going to feel broken all day. I needed a sign. I think you could tell, couldn’t you. It was seriously like from that moment you realized what was happening and you weren’t going to let Mama have a bad day! It was seriously little sign after little sign all day yesterday. You knew Mama needed you.

A Facebook memory of us camping popped up and was the first thing I saw when I opened Facebook yesterday. It gave Mama the warm fuzzy feelings as soon as I saw it. A couple hours later while I was sitting at my desk something caught my eye from the corner of my window. When I looked up I saw a pretty Butterfly fluttering away. It was like once it got my attention it was happy to fly away. Another little smile for Mama. After lunch one of my producers came marching in my office and said, “I told you next time I was in I was going to give you a hug for your daughter.” He gave Mama the biggest, tightest hug. At that point I thought to myself, “Okay, Eva, Mama gets it, today isn’t so bad after all.” These things were accompanied by lots of texts and thoughtful messaged from many of our friends and family who knew Mama needed that yesterday. I know in my heart it was you, just telling me it would all be okay. I love that, Baby Girl.

I went for a long walk last night to help clear my head and there were so many thoughts and ideas that popped up and now Mama has a plan. I’m sure you had a hand in that, too. I’ve been struggling for a while because each day that passes is one day closer to your 3rd birthday, which will be your first birthday in heaven. I’ve learned that the best way to get through these milestones without you is to plan the day out ahead of time so I know what is coming at me and can take it step by step. I have a big idea underway that I’d like to keep a secret for now but I am so excited about! Your Daddy and I both think its a great idea and Daddy knows that this will help Mommy and give me some peace. I am going to start working on the idea in the next little while. We are involving some really great people in this idea too. I really feel that its going to make things feel a little closer to “full circle” for me. I know that you would love this too. I just know it! I’m sure you put the idea in Mama’s head anyway. Also – we will have cake. Can’t have a birthday without cake. I know that even though you can’t be with us you will be in our hearts and guiding us through the day.

Another sign you gave me yesterday – we got really good news about your friend Mya! Keep looking out for her will ya? I know Mya and her Mommy think about you often too. They miss you too. You touched so many people honey. You continue to do so even now. Our story is being heard and people are coming together because of you! I love that so so so much!

We all love you, my girl.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.