Dear Eva,
I have this memory in my head today. I can’t shake it, but that is okay because it is a happy one. It was a Saturday, Mama and you were at home, and Daddy was loading cars. I decided that I wanted to take you on a Mom and Eva date. I packed us a small bag and told you I had a surprise. Off we went! You were so excited to see what the “pies” was. First, I took you for lunch, we went to the Modern Cafe downtown. That was an experience all in itself, you seemed to be full of bouncy energy that day. After we finished lunch it was time for the real surprise. I packed you up and took you to the Swimming Pool! You were so excited! We went in and got up to pay and the girl at the desk told Mommy – “The chlorine levels are off in our pools right now so we can’t let you in.” So we had to turn around and walk out. At that point you knew full well where we were and you were not happy that we had to leave. Mommy was disappointed too, so I told you, “Eva, the pool is broken right now so we have to go home. Mommy promises I’ll bring you back when they have it all fixed.” All the way back to our house that day, “Mommy, pool bwoken?”, “Yes Baby,” “Mommy, pool bwoken”. We went home and you had a short nap and Mommy called the pool, they were up and running! So after your nap Aunty and I put you back in the car and again, “Mommy, pool Bwoken?” “It’s all fixed now honey.” “Pool Fix now!”
We had such a blast swimming that day. You were so so so very happy to get to swim and go down the little slide all by yourself. You played so hard that day. We even sat in the hot tub before we left and you thought that was so great too. Every time we went swimming after that you knew that when you were ready to go home to ask to sit in the hot tub before we left! It was so cute! You caught on to things so quickly. Then one day in the middle of winter, we were coming home from day care and you piped up “Mommy we go ‘wimmin’? Pool all fix, Mommy”. Oh my goodness did I roar! How you remembered that I have no idea. I told you I would talk to Daddy and see if maybe we could. “Okay Mommy – pool fix.” Man you were the smartest little girl I knew. So so so bright, and quick! You figured something out and that was it.
Today I can look back on this memory and smile. My heart feels happy and not anxious as I remember those days. Such good days. You continue to be such a light in mama’s life, little one. I feel you with me. I’ve really felt you with me a lot the last few days as I’ve been really working in the yard and enjoying the sun. You loved to be outside and that is most definitely where I feel you the most. When I’m outside in the sun shine. Sometimes it still feels like you are looking right over my shoulder like you always did as I worked. We have company coming soon and I can’t wait for everybody to see how good our front yard looks. It feels so good to have it done. I feel silly but I’m so proud of myself for all I’ve gotten done over the last few days. I am also so excited for people to see the pictures of you that we hung in the living room, and my “happiness project”, the spare bedroom that I worked so hard to redecorate. I have found myself with a lot of empty time on my hands that sometimes really hurts and is very hard to handle. So I’ve learned to keep my hands and my mind busy with all my projects all over the house and the yard. It all looks a bit different than it did when you were here but still has so much of you every where too.
As much as it hurts Mama and Daddy to see things that were yours we also find comfort in those too. Your bedroom is exactly the way you left it, okay – maybe a little cleaner, and we keep the door open. Some days it is incredibly hard to walk past that room, other days I feel pulled to just sit and look at your things. I think that’s you, asking mama to come play in your “bed woom” one more time. I have not once felt the need to pack your things up, I’m not even close to being ready for that yet. I’m sure you’ll guide mama to know when the time is ready for that step too. I’m so thankful that I see the signs and feel you as much as I do. You and your daddy are pretty good at keeping Mama’s heart feeling a little less empty most days. They tell you when things like this happen, “You are supposed to feel numb, you are supposed to feel empty. What you are feeling is normal, and okay. There is no right or wrong way to handle this.” All I can hope is that you are proud of your Mama and Daddy for how we are carrying this. No other opinions matter to me, just that you are proud and that you look back on your days with a smile.
Please keep holding Mama’s hand. I love you forever, Turkey Bird.
Love and Kisses,
Your Mama.
Letters to Eva 