Dear Eva,
Hey Sweet Girl. I miss you. Mama had a pretty productive day today, I woke up feeling pretty refreshed and better than I had since I woke up sick on Tuesday. I made breakfast for Daddy and Aunty Jack, and then Daddy and I went shopping for a few things we needed for the house. When we got home Mama couldn’t sit still so I went out in the front yard and started some much needed clean up. I trimmed the bushes, cleaned up old trimmings, raked leaves off the grass, pulled weeds, cleaned up old flower pots, got rid of the broken solar lights. When I was happy with what the yard was starting to look like I decided to put out the box that Great Grandpa built with some things to honor you. It has a solar light, a small teddy bear, and the little girl statue that Michele made for mommy. I may add to it yet but it felt good to get it all set up in the front yard. I think I might put a bench beside it soon too.
I know that you were with me when I was working my tush off this morning. I was cutting out one of the trees that was growing wild on its own and getting in the way of the sprinklers, when I saw a little Lady Bug. I set the clippers down and said “Hi, Evil”, almost immediately after I said that a soft breeze wrapped completely around me. I know that was you giving Mama a hug. It was otherwise very calm out this morning so I just know. It was you. Not a coincidence. You show Mama often that you are still by my side. Those signs are always so very welcomed. The other night Aunty Jack and I were watching TV down stairs, while daddy played on the computer. All of a sudden the TV just shut off. Nobody moved, nobody said anything, and the Xbox stayed on. Aunty Jack looked at me and said, “What the -“, I giggled as I yelled “Somebody shut my TV off!” In that moment I could hear your little giggles clear as day. Always a little trickster. I like to think that you are up there with your big cousin Derek and that he’s the one teaching you all these tricks. You tell Derek that Mama misses him too. You were in Mama’s belly still when Derek had to go, so I find comfort knowing you’ve found each other.
I feel really good tonight, quite tired after my work in the heat but it sure feels good to have the yard starting to look better. I can’t wait to get it looking even better! It will take some more time but it sure is getting closer. I hadn’t planned on doing much this weekend, maybe that’s why it felt so easy to go out and get so much done today. I didn’t feel pressured, just relaxed and no time line. It’s nice to have a good day because this whole week felt like bad days. I’ve been run down and emotional and just really missing you. Today I felt you with me so much and I felt more at peace than I have in a while. Grief is like that, I’m learning, It comes in waves, sometimes just small ordinary waves but then out of no where a big wave comes in and knocks us off our feet. Sometime those waves last a day, sometimes a week. I am learning now to let those waves come, the more we fight them the harder they hit. It’s okay to be knocked to our knees once and a while. Stay there for as long as we need, then stand and move forward.
Tonight I looked at the castings of your hand and foot that the hospital made the day you passed away. They are so beautiful, baby. I can see all the lines of your hands, your chipped little fingernails, your ingrown toenail. It’s not the same, but when I hold them I close my eyes and imagine holding you. I love you so much. You are such a light in Mama’s world. Please always continue to guide me through this life without you. Guide your Daddy too. Though he is always holding Mama’s hand, so that should make it easier for you. Mama and Daddy will be much stronger because of all you taught us and all we are learning now. Stay beautiful, little one. We love you.
Love and Kisses,
Your Mama.
Letters to Eva 