Letters to Eva

When your mama asked me to write to you I got very excited! …then I got emotional thinking of what I could say to you…then I feel anger and get rather upset that your gone! Why did you leave your mom? She is honestly the nicest most sincere person with the best values anyone could have and she adored the f*ck outta you (pardon my language missy)..then you had to leave.

I remember the day your mom messaged me and asked me if Carson bruised easily. Your mom new right then something was wrong. She did everything she possibly could for you…I know you know that. You knew way more than a girl your age should. You were by far the smartest kid I’ve ever known. I bragged about you all the time. Keeping my phone “awake” so I didn’t loose my replay on Snapchat so I could show Chad you counting, or reading stories, or waiting for dad to get home or just being a big goober in the bath tub!!  I think you matured so fast for your mama so you had time to tell her all your little stories. You had so much to say as you discovered this world for such a short time!!

Your moms family feels like such a fit for me. I’m not sure why but soon as I met your auntie Jac, gramma anh grampa I loved them all. So genuine, so true, and so damn fun. They know what’s important in life! Living and taking in the love of family.

I first met your mama working in the elevator. She was a very quiet cute girl who knew how to work! She grew up on a farm and lived for family, as did I. Everything she did she did with pride. And she was always doing. Just like me! Must be why we connected. She moved away too fast…I never had much of chance to work with her but when we did damn was that elevator clean and damn did them farmers leave happy! She soon left and became a FA2…then I did; then she got married, you know what happened then? I got married too haha. It sure doesn’t end there, your mom then became assistant manager…then I did; then she had her first baby!!! You Eva!! Then shortly after I had Carson!! It seemed I was one short step behind your mama. We could relate in sooo many ways. I often reached out to your sister to ask questions on our ever changing but similar lives. Then one day she told me she was expecting!!! I was so happy for your mom and dad! Life was perfect for them. You were going to be a big sister! Shortly after that I got to tell your mom I was expecting, again, following in her footsteps. – Then shit started taking a downhill spiral for your mom. She had to go through the loss of an unborn child. You were the only thing that kept her strong at that point. You and your daddy. You were so good at making your mom feel better. Your stories. God your stories 

Then in January when we heard you were getting all this blood work done and then shortly diagnosed with ITP and your mom and you were making trips constantly to Saskatoon I told Chad that your mom miscarried for a reason. I honestly believed! She needed to spend all this concentrated time and focus on you. She needed to be with you and not distracted by another little baby. She wouldn’t have been able to be so focused and tend to all your needs and have time to make your favorite meals and play. She needed this time with you. She already feels guilty for every time she got a little inpatient or a bit frustrated while trying to put you to sleep after a nurse came in to check vitals..AGAIN!! I think your mom needed that concentrated time with you. But then when you left this world I took back everything!!!! If you were gone who was to keep your mom strong?? Who is going to tell her all the stories and keep your mom busy like she needs to be???? Eva why did you leave? Oh I wish you could just tell us.

I am so scared of the world ever since you left. Like uncomfortable, deathly scared of every move I or my children make. I have nightmares…bad thoughts throughout the day. I need to leave it in God’s hands…I need to put my trust in him. But how?? I think because if something like this could happen to your mom and your family it could so easily happen to me. It’s out of my control. I need to have control 

I wish you could meet Kyra. She was born shortly before you left this world. I often think of you when I am snuggling/nursing alone with her. I think so much. About this world and how it has changed. There is no gratitude left out there. Everyone takes everything for granted. The air they breathe, the job they have, the groceries they can afford, but mostly the laughter and love that surrounds them. I still lose my patience, don’t get me wrong, but you burnt something hard in my heart missy. Every time I loose my patience I break down…I feel so guilty. And I should!! But man has my patience for my kids ever grown! Your always in the back of my mind. Not a day goes by I don’t think of you. Please keep me strong and help me keep growing into a wonderful mom.

So, because I just had Kyra I have been at home with Carson and her! It’s been a fun warm spring girl!! So I have been doing nothing but loving the yard. If I am not playing outside with Carson I am working in the yard which I love to do. Nothing more fun then hoe-ing the garden, spraying the yard, or cutting the grass. When Carson was a baby I towed him around the yard with me while I worked everywhere. Kyra seems to nap too good that she doesn’t get to tag along with Carson and I while we work as much. The day I decided to plant a few flowers Carson was helping me. I did up a pot, especially for you. I know you would love them. While I was planting them Carson came running up to me. He was soooo excited. “Mom, mom, mom, mom!!!!” Until I looked up in response. He had a lady bug. It was the first one I seen this year. I’ve actually only have seen two this year and they were both that day. I’m sure it was you. I think it was you accepting the flowers I’d picked out for you. Carson was so cute when he showed me. Then while we were chilling around the patio table later that day (where I decided to put your flowers by) he found another one. Oh he musta played with it for a good hour! We had to tell him to be gentle…damn boys and their bugs  Thanks for visiting us that day!

Remember when we went camping? Summer 2016. That was a trip that really stands out to me. Both you and Carson were just little cute beach bums. We spent a lot of time at the beach; spent a lot of time just playing and watching you and Carson play. I couldn’t believe how you cruised around. You could make it all the way into the camper! We couldn’t keep our eyes off you! “No, no, no, no”  gosh that was hilarious. You were too little to know that word and say it like you did. You sure are a card. You got to meet my brother and his wife and little girl too! And your moms family accepted them in a heartbeat too. Grandma woo-ing us all with her wine give aways haha. I know if you were still here you would come camping with us all. I thought maybe you could meet Carson’s grandparents. I know they would spoil and pamper you like they do their grandkids. Just as your grandma did to you and to Carson!! I was looking forward to all our damn camping trips Eva! There will always be a piece of you on that beach at loon my girl. You shoulda seen the sunsets when I went camping there last week. So beautiful. Was that you doing that? I will attach some pictures. I sure thought about you lots. There was so much laughter and happy squeals that took place on that beach last weekend…you woulda fit in perfectly.

Eva, there is so much magic in the world, so much we take for granted. When you were born you enlightened your mom and dad to see the magic. You were able to slow down and reset their lives so they could see what life is really about. That’s the power you little ones have! I know you have a very important job up in heaven but can you please please please stay near to your mama? Help her see the magic this world has to offer. It truly is a wonderful place..just a lot harder to see it when your not there to point out how beautiful and fascinating the lady bugs are or how delicious and wonderful ice cream is!! There is magic in everything. Help your mom see this everyday in all the simple things!

Stay near baby girl. We love and miss you so much. Bet there is some beautiful places up in heaven. Pick out a spot, Eva, and we will go camping when we all can be together again one day!

Love you so much.

~Amanda