Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

Hey, Sweet Girl. Mama misses you. I’m sitting downstairs, underneath two blankets with the TV on, wide awake. This cold has made me so tired that I can’t sleep at all. These nights when I can’t sleep are the hardest because I can’t stop thinking about you. All those nights that you couldn’t sleep and you just wanted Mama, and Mama was so so so tired and would rush and get short tempered. All those times I would get so frustrated with you, all the times I said I couldn’t “Mom” anymore. I take it back, god damn it, I take it all back. All of it. All of those thoughts make me feel like I let you down. I would really like for that feeling to go away. I can’t help it. I can’t fight the guilt, fight the feeling like I failed. I just wish I knew what you see when you look back on your time with Mama and Daddy. I know that you love us fiercely but these dark moments are so hard to fight. The darkness is so scary.

These moments are so dark that it’s hard to remember what the happy felt like. The tunnel of darkness is isolating and never ending. The happiness feels so far away. Unreachable. It’s only been four and a half months and it feels like four years. The days are so long and hard to get through. Yesterday Mom stayed home sick and spent most of the day fighting darkness and anxiety. Breath by Breath. It seems like it’s been long enough that I should be able to get through days without having to tell myself to breath. I know that there is no quick fix and no time line for this to change. I know that in the grand scheme of things 4 months is nothing but to me it feels like forever. Forever. Every minute feels like it takes 60 minutes, not 60 seconds.

I’m living a nightmare. That’s the only way to describe this. I hear it everyday – “I can’t imagine – that is my worst nightmare.” Yes, yes it is. We give our kids everything, they are part of us. They make us whole. This is more than a nightmare. This is an empty sinking feeling that doesn’t leave. It doesn’t only happen when we are sleeping. It’s all day every fucking day. I retrace every move I made your whole life, every fucking day. I need you back. I would give everything to have you back. Hell I’d give anything to have one more minute. One more Moochie Poop, one more hug, one more “Ma!”, heck one more tantrum. I wouldn’t even put you in time out. Raise good humans, that is what they tell us. If I knew you would be forever two – man you would have probably been even more spoiled than you were. Maybe that’s why we never know. So we try our best to raise good humans.

Did I do a good job? I would give anything to hear it from you, not everybody who repeatedly tells me. It would mean so much to hear it from you. Because you are the only one who truly knew. You are the only one who matters. You, Mama, and Daddy. I hope you always know that. WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH, TURKEY BIRD!

“My not a Turkey Burd!” Gawd I need you. I need to hear that again.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.