Dear Eva,
Today Mommy has a cold. It’s strange – but man does it make me think of you. It’s hard to think that all of this started because of a cold. That’s what the doctor’s think happened. They think you got a viral cold that tricked your body into attacking itself and thus began our ITP journey. And you got a cold right before you passed too. My life was turned upside down all over a cold. You had pneumonia when you were a little over a year old too. Winter was always so hard on your little body – it always really kicked you when you were down. I seem to kind of find comfort in knowing that. Your little soul was given a broken body and I know that in your final hours you didn’t suffer. So maybe in someway I can see that as a relief – you aren’t hurting anymore. But the fact that it was a cold, all of this over a cold, it hurts. Auto-Immune diseases are often triggered by cold and are often long battles to fight. In the grand scheme of things your battle was short, but in your little life it was long and you fought so hard. You did so good, Baby Girl.
You can ask your daddy and your grandma, all of this has made me a little hyper about some things. Bruises – I cannot handle bruises. Even the smallest ones make me flinch and send my nerves into overdrive. I even made Dr Jagga run a CBC on me because I had like 2 small bruises on my leg. Colds, coughs, basically any little pain your daddy and I have makes me cringe right now. I feel so out of control when these things happen, maybe because I couldn’t control or fix what happened to you and now the littlest things scare me senseless. I know that right now, all the stress and nerves in my life are most likely the major causes of everything I am experiencing right now but it’s still scary. I’m not sure I could handle it if your daddy or I got really sick, now or further down the road. We’ve had enough, can’t I just get a time out? It feels like things are running me over, after I’ve already been hit by a bus. Life still goes on. As much as I don’t want it to life marches forward and I have to move forward too. It’s not easy, and my heart hurts most of the time, but time won’t stand still for me, or for anybody.
Your Daddy and I have been so busy the last few weeks and I think it’s all catching up with Mommy. My body is getting wore out, it has’t healed from the pain of losing you and with summer here things just keep piling up. Plus working full time again, I’m done. My body is saying enough’s enough, if you won’t slow down, I’ll do it for you. So I have a cold. I guess I take the hint and just rest – nothing on the books for the weekend, and we are going to keep it that way. Just take the time to recuperate and reflect on the last few weeks. We’ve been out to Shamrock Park, Regina, and Lloydminster over the last 3 weekends. We’ve seen so much and done so much. I can’t even tell you about all of it right now because it’s escaping my tired brain. We have another big donation to send to RMH on behalf of Grandma Cindy’s family, from the reunion this past weekend. The weekend before Mama went to the foam fest with some friends. That was so fun and muddy! The weekend before that we spent in Shamrock so Mommy could help Nana run the park booth. That was busy – but fun too! All the other fine details are a blur right now. Lots of family and friends surrounding us which makes all of these things a lot easier and a lot more fun.
This post is all over the place – Mama’s tired. I love you and I miss you. Give Grandma Blanche a hug pretty please? I miss her a lot too.
Love and Kisses,
Your Mama.
Letters to Eva 