Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes and my heart just aches for you. These days are hard because I want to get up and do things, I know that will help me feel better, but it seems nearly impossible to move. I get up, I put make up on and pour a coffee. When I get in the car and head down the road to work the tears start to fall. I let them fall and hope I can reign it in before I get to the office. Sometimes that’s enough to help me get through the day, other days I can’t shake the pain and would much rather be at home. I don’t feel like I’m pushing myself too hard by being here today, I’d just rather be somewhere else. I’m writing to you today while I’m supposed to be working because I thought maybe it might help me clear my head.

Last night our books that people bought towards our fundraiser for Ronald McDonald House came in! I was so excited, we have packages to give out to people who ordered plus a box right full of books to send to the house. We also are waiting on two more boxes to come in, those two will also go straight to Ronald McDonald House! I can’t believe how well that fundraiser turned out, we are going to be donating more that $600 worth of books! I sit back in my worst times and see so much good being done. Right from the day after you went to heaven, Mama and Daddy came home to people filling the house, bringing food, offering up houses for visitors, friends and family flying in from both sides of the country just to be with us and support us. We had friends set up a go fund me account, and with other donations we were able to donate over $3000 to Ronald McDonald House just weeks after you passed. In the days that go by we continue to see people reaching out, people supporting Mama by sharing this blog, people doing good things just because – in your memory – and people who donate time and time again every time I come up with another idea. I have never in my life seen so much good, so much kindness, so much pure love. It’s sad that it takes something like this for us (even me – I’m not perfect) to come together and do good things. We should just do good things everyday no matter how good or bad things are. I’m so thankful, everyday, for the people who have been by my side unconditionally. I’m only doing as good as I am because of these people – they have never given me a chance to feel like I am isolated and alone or don’t have their support.

I’ve come to realize just how many Angel Mom’s are in my life in this awful time. On the top of my head there are four mom’s in my life that are walking this road beside me. Some of these mom’s have been Angel Moms almost as long as I’ve been alive, and others that are a little newer at it. Kids that I knew growing up and Kids that I’m just learning about now. I know that no one ever wants to join this “club” as it is the worst one imaginable but I am so grateful for these women. Women that understand and are feeling everything so strongly with me as I go through it. Women who know what the ups and downs are like. Everybody handles these journeys differently but its huge just knowing you aren’t alone. I’ve said it more than once that I feel like a “freak” sometimes in public situations because not many people understand and not many know what to say. These other Mom’s have said all the right things, exactly when I needed to hear them. “I know honey – I know. Your little girl will give you signs. Just remember to look.” – This one came on the day of your funeral. “You are feeling like you got kicked in the gut, aren’t you? It will change, just give it 20 years or so.” – One particularly hard day surrounded by people for the first time after you passed. “Everyday is tough, no matter what day it is.” – Mother’s Day. These word’s mean more to me than anybody will ever know. I hate that we have to travel this road but I’m so glad I have these amazing women with me. No matter how old, how they passed, they are all our babies – Mama’s should never have to out live their babies. I love these women beyond measure and I hope with all my heart that you met their boys when you got to heaven. Give them each a hug from their mama’s for me please, Baby.

I miss you. I can’t think about anything else today – I just miss you. I put some pictures up in the living room, and stuck some more on my mirror in our bedroom. I sometimes have a hard time looking at the pictures or even thinking about you. My heart feels like it wants to break all over again. Other days all I do is stare at your pictures. Nothing could have ever prepared me for all of these feelings. Feelings that we’ve all felt before but now they are way stronger. Sadness, guilt, desperation, loneliness, anger, frustration, feeling lost and empty. The first real – hit me in the gut – loss of my life was you. I mean I’ve experienced people passing before but the relationships weren’t very strong or I was too young to understand. Why did it have to be you? Not that I wan’t to loose anybody in my life – especially now – but it shouldn’t have been you. I’m so angry that it was you. I needed you! Damn it! Ugh!

I love you little one. What I wouldn’t give for one more smoochie poo!

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama!