June 27, 2018

Dear Eva,

Today was such a nice sunny day, I think you knew Aunty Jack needed the sunniest of days today, didn’t you?? Today Aunty Jack turns 22! Woah – I remember her being as tiny as you were. Little red piggy tails and a face full of freckles. One of the cutest. Now she’s all grown up! Busy making us proud but I know that even though she’s keeping busy she’s also very busy missing you and that today is not as easy as a birthday should be. I know she needed that sunshine to lighten up the mood a bit. So thank you, Baby Girl, for helping brighten up the sky and letting us feel your warmth on our shoulders. Aunty knows you were with her today.

Today somebody made a comment about my hair – I know he meant to tease but it most definitely didn’t feel that way to me. I am a firm believer that if you are willing to dye your hair strange colors you need to be able to own it. Wear it with a smile – and I do. I was a good sport, I didn’t let his joke about the color and then the joke about getting old bug me. Now, however, that I am at home, it bugged me. I think most people understand the main reason I’ve been doing this to my hair. I think that this person maybe should have known that too. It’s one thing to make a joke and call the colors “fucked up”, it’s another to tell me to “stop living out my youth” because I’m too old. Dude. I’ve been through more in my 25 years, mostly in the last two, than I hope you will ever have to go through. If I want to dye my hair purple in MEMORY of my TWO YEAR OLD – I will. I don’t care what you think. Don’t say that shit to me when you know that I’ve been through so much lately. You’ll never understand why I do anything that I do anymore – and I hope you never have to. I do what I need to do to get through the day. If that means purple and blue hair then so be it. I’m up, I’m breathing, and I’m putting up with your shit. Believe me – I don’t have to. I had every right to tell you where to go and how to get there but I didn’t because I’m a good human. That doesn’t mean what you did today didn’t hurt a little bit. I will move on, but I needed to accept these feelings and put them away. It’s okay for me to be angry at you.

People don’t know what to say to me at all anymore so I get it. I appreciate it more when people realize that and just keep the conversation polite.  I know that they want to say more but they don’t know how to say it. That’s okay – I’d rather that than what happened today. Deep breath and brush it off. Get it out and move past it.

Today was a long day – full of meetings and people. We’ve been busy at work and running on short staff. Your Mama is tired tonight! We will go out for supper with Aunty and Uncle and then it will most definitely be bath and bed time! Full and busy is good for Mama. I can’t sit for long or I get anxious. So when I sit – I write. I feel closest to you when I write. It calms me and helps me know that maybe one day I will be okay.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.

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