June 26, 2018

Dear Eva,

Normal – what is normal? To me this life isn’t normal. It’s not normal to say good bye to your two year old. It’s not normal to have to rebuild your life from the ground up, especially after it felt like you just got started. Thinking about this, however, makes me think that maybe nobody’s normal feels normal. Maybe we all feel like we are rebuilding something, in some way or another. Maybe not our whole lives but some part of it, for everyone, all the time feels not normal. Maybe that’s what normal is – not knowing what it is.

I’ve been feeling really good lately. Not feeling as lost as I have been. Feeling like I am finding a new normal. Finding a space to put the fears and triggers and only look at them when I need to, process and put away. Go back to them when I feel I need to. I think this way I’ve created of talking to you is a great example of that. Working through the fear one day at a time. There are so many fears. Every day something comes up that scares the crap out of me. This week it’s the fair. You got to see the fair, but never were big enough to ride any rides. You got to try mini donuts – you loved those! I am holding a lot of fear about how I’m going to handle the emotions of the fair being in town and if I will be brave enough to actually go. I know that your Daddy will want to go and will hold my hand the whole time if I decide to go with him. I know he will be strong for Mommy. Maybe Mommy should ride a ride for you! That might help me deal with the fear.

There are so many other things that give me fear, I’ve learned to breath through those things and let you guide me through them. I put on a brave face everyday and walk this life for you. I don’t do it for anybody else, just for you. I will always do it for you. I miss you.

I know that you are here and you are doing your job. You were put in peoples lives so that you knew who to look after at your job as an angel. Guiding us, keeping us safe, and giving us lots of sunshine to warm our backs. We love you, Baby Girl. We can’t wait to see what you show us, or where you guide us next. We know that you will lead us to great things! You have big plans up there, I can feel it!

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.

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