June 21, 2018

Dear Eva,

I miss you. I need you. I want to hold you. I want to see your smile and hear your laugh one more time. You know that you are my favorite human ever, right? You know that I love you more than anyone else on this planet, right? I would give anything in the whole world just to tell you that one more time. I would have given anything to trade places with you. You could be here with your Daddy, Grandma, Nana, Papa, Grandpa and Aunties. You could grow up, go be a doctor (I know that’s what you would have wanted to be), get married, have little girls of your own. I told Dr Jagga that, you know what she told me? She told me, “Eva wasn’t meant to be here without her Mommy. All Eva ever really wanted was her Mommy. What kind of life would she have had without her Mommy? She came into this world right into her Mama’s arms and her Mama was with her until the very last breath she took.”

I think I needed to hear that, I think that helped me understand maybe why it was you and it wasn’t me. I don’t say these things because I want to die, I only say these things because I wish you didn’t have to. Everyday is another day that I have had to learn how to do this life without you. Everyday is another day forward, away from my life with you. I don’t understand why it had to be us and I don’t think I ever will. Everyday hurts me so so so bad. Nothing is ever going to fill that void and make it hurt less. Maybe one day the hurt will be different, but it will never ever hurt any less than it does now. People ask me how I’m doing everyday, and everyday it feels like the answer is the same. Everyday is a bad day. Some of those bad days are just easier to hide under a smile than others. But everyday is the worst day. Today is no different. It hurts like hell, feels like hell. Today is awful, so was yesterday, and tomorrow will be too. I might be able to handle tomorrow better than yesterday and it might not be right at the surface but it will still be awful. Any day without you is not going to be good. That might make me miserable and pessimistic but I’m allowed this opinion. One day my opinion will change but for now it won’t and I need time to get used to this before anything changes.

I will keep my head up, I will continue to walk tall and forward, I will survive all this, for you. I will survive this all for you. Your Daddy and I will survive all of this for you. We love you. The days are long and hard but we have each other. We also have so many great friends in our corner to surround us through this hell. All of these people will love us through this.

This week alone over $900 was donated to RMH, partly in your name, from the people who are surrounding us. Some of these people didn’t even know you. This is all so exciting for me. These things make me so happy! These things give me so much hope. You are such a great inspiration for so many people and I think you will be for a very long time.

We love you, Turkey Bird! You will always be my Turkey Bird!

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.

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