June 13, 2018

Dear Eva,

Deep breath, tomorrow is 3 months since we said good bye to our bubbly, happy, loud, brilliant Two Year Old. It’s so fresh and so raw, yet it feels like it’s been so long. Everyday is so long and the days go by so slowly now that it feels like years. Everyday takes all of my being and feels like it is more than 100 hours long. How can life go from days that felt way too way to short and went by way so quickly to days that drag on and are my very own personal hell? In a blink of an eye none the less. Faster than I could ever imagine our lives changed. Now three months feels like it’s taking 3 years.

I’m feeling good today, a little anxious ahead of tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I’ve realized something in the last couple days. Almost every day that marks another month that you’ve been gone lines up with some big events happening this year. Month 2 – Mother’s Day, Month 3 – Aunty Rayleen’s wedding and Father’s Day Month 5 – Mama and Daddies anniversary, Month 6 – Your birthday, Month 8 – Mama’s Birthday. It seems cruel that all of this happens at the same time. It makes events that are already kind of tough on Mama’s nerves just a little harder to handle. I know that one day these things will be a little less scary, but right now I’m freaking out. I’m learning to plan through these really hard days ahead of time and it does help. If I give myself something to handle and focus on I will get through the day. If I don’t have something to focus on the day takes over and becomes too hard to handle.

Damn – I never thought I’d ever have to plan out every little day to the T just to survive. Just to feel like I made it through in one piece. It’s so true and relate-able now how much our children become our lives and without them we wouldn’t know how to exist. Without you I really don’t know who I am right now. Your daddy is starting to show me slowly who I am again, who I can be. Your daddy shows me how much he loves me every day, he shows me that we are strong enough as a couple to figure out how to do this together. He shows me that I’m kind of a weirdo and that it is totally okay. Your daddy has become my whole world again. Your daddy was my whole world, and then he gave me you. You became my whole world. You became my everything and your Daddies everything. Mama and Daddy still loved each other very much but it was different. We needed each other in order to take care of you. Now we need to take care of each other in place of you. It’s Grandma Eva’s turn to take care of you. Now Mama and Daddy can learn about each other again. It sucks, but it’s the truth and the reality. Our lives gave us a reset. So I’m going to let Daddy become my whole world again.

I love You! I love You! I love You! I miss you every minute of every day. I need you every minute of every day. I know that you are here with me every minute of every day. The good, the bad, the ugly, you are here for Mama and Daddy.  We need you, and we know you know that. Your Daddy told me a secret the other day and it helped me see that as strong as he is for me, he is having a tough time too. He’s doing very well but still struggling, just like mama. I’m so so so glad I have your daddy to help me through this.

Love You, little Lady Bug,

Lowe and Kisses,

Your Mama.

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