Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

Just thinking about writing this letter has tears in my eyes. Sometimes when I get home from work after a good, busy day I crash hard. The emotions and fears come flooding in and I can’t avoid the feelings. Today is one of those days. I walked in the door and knew it was going to be a tough evening. I just miss you so much. I hate that I can get home from work by 5:10 and have supper started and waiting for your daddy. I hate that when I’m cooking supper there isn’t a chair in my way, or a kid on my counter. I have nobody to tell not to eat the raw sausage. I miss you. There are no other words. I want you back. Gosh do I want you back.

I’ve never felt so broken, empty, and lost. Out of nowhere these feeling hit me like a bus and I can’t shake it. I want to be brave and strong but sometimes this makes me so feel so weak. It’s all I can do to survive the anxiety that comes along with these moments of missing you. Tonight I just sat on your bed. I hugged your teddies and just sat. Peace and quiet and calming. Some how your room relaxes me and comforts me, maybe it’s because that is where I feel you the most. It was your happy place too. Some days I don’t see the signs as clearly or maybe at all so going in your room seems to help me feel you. I miss you. I know I’ve said that a lot tonight but it is all I can think about.

I came home tonight to the puppy watching out the window and that really hurts my heart. She sits and watches out the window most of the day, every day. She doesn’t understand where you went and I can’t explain it to her. My only hope is that maybe you will wrap your little arms around her once in a while so that she can feel you too. To see her missing you as much as we do is hard. You were babies together and she loved you so much too. Looking back we see the reasons we did things more clearly now. I always thought I couldn’t get crazier, trying to house train a puppy and potty train a two year old. So much pee! Now I know though, Stormy has been so healing for us. She has been by our sides at our absolute worst moments and spent many hours just laying beside mama on the days that I couldn’t get out of bed. Stormy and Mama miss you.

Snuggle Mama in her sleep tonight, would ya? I know you don’t like snuggles, but just this once baby, just this once.

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.