Letters to Eva

Dear Eva,

It’s been a few days, Mama and Daddy put in a pretty busy weekend again! We are slowly learning how to let go for periods of time and have some fun. This weekend we went out to see Nana and Papa. It was nice to get out and just spend some quality time with them. When we came home on Sunday Mama did a bunch of yard work, planted the garden, cut the grass, and put out a bunch of pretty flowers. Pink and Purple ones, of course! The yard is still no where near where I would like it to be yet, hopefully a few more warm weekends and I will have it done.

The garden is pretty bare this year, a couple tomato plants, potatoes, onions, lettuce, spinach, and cucumbers. Only 4 rows, and I just eyeballed them so its not very straight! You would laugh at me kiddo! Even though I didn’t put much in this year I did make sure to plant a couple strawberry plants. Last year Mama had bought a hanging strawberry pot and just left it on the deck. It produced fruit like crazy and you loved it! You watched Mama pick a strawberry off of the plant once and that was it! It didn’t matter if the strawberries were still green as grass, you pulled them off and they promptly went in your mouth! It was the cutest thing ever, you sure did love fresh fruit. You also really loved peas off of the vine, and would spend hours in the pea patch with Aunty Jack just picking the peas and eating them. Ahh, how I loved our summers in the back yard and the garden. It was one of our favorite places to be, and always the happiest place.

Aunty Amanda and Carson planted a pretty flower pot at their house with special flowers just for you! Carson found the lady bug that you sent to him baby! Thank You for letting them know that you were there. It means a lot to Mommy when I see lady bugs in the yard, and on the window, and I always love it when others tell me they thought of you when they saw a lady bug too. Keep sending us those signs sweet heart, we see them and we love them. Today when I came home for lunch I found that somebody had been playing with the toilet paper in the bathroom. Normally I would blame that kitty cat but today the bathroom door was closed while I was at work, and we all know how much Eva Diva loves to play with the toilet paper! I sat down on the toilet and laughed out loud! So Thank You girly, I needed that. I sent Daddy a picture and when he saw it and then looked up, he saw a lady bug on the work trailer, so you were there too! It amazes me how much I feel you and see you everyday. It also amazes me how comforting something as little as a lady bug or toilet paper all over the floor can be!

I think I’m starting to accept what happened. I think for a long time, and still now at times I was afraid to accept it. That acceptance meant “being okay with” or “moving on”. I’ve come to the realization that just because I accept that you’ve left and can’t come home doesn’t mean that I think it’s okay. It just means that I know I cannot change it, as much as I want to, I can’t go back in time. It’s okay to accept it and grow. My life will forever be “Before Eva”, “With Eva”, and “After Eva” and that’s okay. That’s how we learn to heal. Everyday is scary still, and I think will be for a very long time, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… “She made her Mama strong!” It’s true, Sweet Heart, you really taught your Mama everything I need to know to make it through this. I also know that you taught your Daddy the same things. I’ve seen again and again your soft touch within his. Daddy knows exactly what I need to hear, exactly when I need it. So Thank You again, baby, for taking care of your Mommy and your Daddy. I’m determined that I will not let your Daddy’s feelings go unnoticed through this, because Dad’s need help too. I think you know that, though. I think you have your way of guiding him too.

I love you forever and ever!

Love and Kisses,

Your Mama.